Mother's Day Fantasies...

I struggle with Mother's Day.

I mean, isn't every mother's dream just to have a little recognition that you are the best thing that ever happened to your children?

Or is that just me?

It isn't that I expect diamonds or fancy meals or huge bouquets of flowers.  Or teary speeches about the impact I have made in my kids' lives.

It is just that I want a fun day. A day of peace. A day of love.

Let me explain.

Fantasy Mother's Day:
I wake up to find my husband standing there with bags packed.  We kiss our four well-behaved children on the cheek, wave good-bye, then drive to the airport where the private jet is waiting to whisk us away to the beach. My husband has packed a brand new dress that looks amazing on me.  We dine on fresh seafood right there on the beach, watching the sun set.

Can you hear it? The waves crashing against the sand?  The call of sea gulls in the distance?

Ahhh...

The Wishful Thinking Mother's Day:
I wake up, feeling refreshed. Not because a child woke me up. Or the dog demanded to eat at 6 a.m. I wake up just because I am rested.

I am greeted with Mother's Day greetings and a bouquet of spring flowers.

Then my family brings me breakfast in bed.  (Just to be fair, that has happened before)

My children all walk in, presentable for church. We don't have to ask anyone to change into something more appropriate.  And the kids sweetly get along.  All the way to church.

After church, we come home, change our clothes, and head out on a hike.  All of us. Not one person reminds us that they don't understand the point of being in the woods.  We just go and truly enjoy one another.  Oh, and since this is wishful thinking, I get some amazing pictures. Not one person complains that I am taking yet another picture.

After enjoying nature, we come home for a delicious meal that is NOT prepared by me.  I get to just sit, enjoy my ice cold Coca-Cola, and eat.  Then my children jump up to eagerly clear off the table and clean off.

We finish the night with snow cones on the back patio.

And I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.

Now, the Reality Mother's Day:
The dog wakes me up to tell me she is hungry. An hour earlier than any other day.  Our youngest child pops in the room with a made up reason for being up early.

Finally I drag myself out of bed only to hear children complaining that it is Sunday and I didn't make a thing for breakfast. Gasp.

We get ready for church, sending at least one child back to try again on their outfit.  Then we head to church, arguing in the background.

After church, I will try to nap.  The arguing of children will keep me awake.

Sometime during the day, with a little prompting, the kids will say "Happy Mother's Day".  One will give me a card she made at school. The other will forget that he ever made something or will have left it at school; I may or may not ever see it.  One child will promise to buy me something the next time I take him to Sonic or the snow cone place. And one child will search her room for something to wrap and give me.  

Somehow we will have dinner.

And then the day will be over.

And I will avoid Facebook all day so I don't have to see how perfect everyone else's day was.

The truth is, some of my Mother's Days have been "perfect" (including a couple where Mark took the kids somewhere else and let me stay at home alone as well as one weekend away to one of my favorite hiking spots in Arkansas).  And some have been less than stellar (having "I hate you!" thrown at me by at least two children and then last year when we were still waiting for the results of Mark's MRI).

I have read some good posts recently about Mother's Day.  I have struggled with that desire for the  "wishful thinking Mother's Day" (and the disappointment that will always follow).  And I have come to realize something.

It isn't the gifts. Or the breakfast in bed.  Or the ideal day to post on Facebook to show everyone how loved I am.

It really boils down to needing reassurance.  Knowing that I am not botching this motherhood gig.  Wanting to not feel like a failure.

Because I do.

I feel like it every single day.

Every night as I sink into my bed, the many ways I have failed run through my head. Over and over. Like they are stuck on repeat.

Sometimes my kids tell me.  Unashamedly.  Other times I can see it on their faces.  But more often than that, I just know.

So maybe what I really want for Mother's Day is peace.  Freedom from those thoughts.  A sense of accomplishment rather than failure.  And the promise that one day, I may get this right. Maybe.

Reba

Expect Nothing...

and you will never be disappointed but you might be pleasantly surprised.

My mom used to say that to me.  A lot.

For good reason.

I tend to plan and think and hold ideas about how things will go.

And they rarely do.

At least how I think they will.

My first years of teaching.

My engagement.

My honeymoon.  (The wedding was actually what I pictured for the most part :)

Motherhood.

Mother's Day.

I really don't try to dream up stuff.

It just happens.

My mind is always going.

And I am a romantic at heart.

Gifts is one of my love languages.

So when I knew Mother's Day was this weekend, I had in my mind how it was going to go.

A hiking trip away, planned by anyone but me :). (We have hiked a lot of the trails here; there are others around the state I am itching to try) With or without kids.

Maybe a new camera.

Instead, yesterday late morning, hubby asks, "Wanna go for a hike today or tomorrow?'

My heart sank.

Don't get me wrong, I like hiking.  It just wasn't a weekend away.  And it wasn't planned.

To top it all off, one child wasn't sure she really wanted to go and seemed to be going just because she felt like she had to. Another one rolled out of bed right before we left and insisted there was no reason to go.  And the ones who did end up in the car with us argued. A lot.

Happy Mother's Day to me.

I actually said at one point, "Let's give up and go home..."

But we didn't.

We drove out to the middle of nowhere.

And we hiked.

And it was nothing like I had pictured for "my weekend".

Nothing at all.

But I was pleasantly surprised.

We had fun.  (A post/tons of pics to come)  One child, after claiming to not be a "girly girl", fell into the mud...right at the beginning of the hike.  Another one, tripping over a tree branch or his own feet, hopped up and said, "I am okay!" and took off running.  Marley pup had a ball.  She is fearless on a hike.  Rocks, water, logs...they don't stop her. Oh, and she can outhike us (even with legs mere inches long) any day.  The kids got along MOST of the time.  In fact, it was one of our better hikes.  We even decided to do one more hike and there were no complaints. I think we got about 4 miles in all together.

It was a beautiful day.  We were surrounded by beautiful scenery. And we saw no snakes.

When we got home, we grabbed some pizza from one of my favorite places.  And devoured it.

This morning, Child 2 brought me breakfast in bed.

Child 3 gave me a beautiful booklet all about me.

I think Child 4 had a gift for me from school; I just haven't seen it yet.  He will think about it in a few days.

We got to have dinner with MY mom and dad which is always a treat.

And then Child 1 bought me a shaved ice.

Oh, and I got a gift certificate for a pedicure. 

Nothing like I had "planned" or expected.

But I was pleasantly surprised.

Maybe those moms know a thing or two after all...

Reba

Maria's Mother's Day Madness

So today child 3 brought home a laminated sheet for me for Mother's Day. On one side, it has a sweet poem with a cute little painted handprint. The other side has a questionnaire about her momma; the answers were dictated to her teacher. Here are the questions followed by her answers followed by MY responses in bold print...

1. What is your mother's name? Reba (She knows that one; she and the youngest ask me that regularly)
2. How old is your mother? 59 (Seriously...59? My parents aren't even 59! When I asked her about that she said, "Well, I didn't know...)
3. What is your mother's favorite color? dark blue (She did get that right. Why would I have preferred her to get the age thing right or at least err on the OTHER side rather than this one? :)
4. What is her favorite food? spaghetti and shrimp (not necessarily together...she had wide range on this one because I have a lot of "favorite" foods. I do eat spaghetti a lot...no sauce. And I will eat shrimp most days.)
5. What does your mom like to do for fun? go to my sister's gymnastics (I had to laugh on that one. I don't know if it is "for fun" but Mark and I do look forward to our turn to do that because for one hour, you get to just chill. There may be other children around but they aren't ours. We can play on the computer, read, whatever...Apparently this child has picked up on that.)
6. If I could buy my mom anything, I would buy her...a new shirt. (I will always take one of those :)
7. My mom likes to go out to eat at...Catfish Hole. (I can't really deny that one)
8. What does your mom cook best? square sandwiches (Those are little ham sandwiches I make on Hawaiian sweet rolls; you pour mustard and some other things over the top. She LOVES them and will eat as many as I let her)
9. What is your favorite thing to do with your mom? Go outside and play on the monkey bars (I guess that means it is HER favorite thing...I do not play on monkey bars. I usually just sit in the sun on the porch swing watching.)
10. What is your mother's favorite song? ones about God (We have a Christian contemporary station in our area that I listen to any time I am in the car. She can probably sing as many of the songs as I can.)
11. What does she like to watch on TV? America's Funniest Home Videos (That is HER favorite TV show. I have told her over and over that I am not that crazy about it...I really don't watch much TV if they are up)
12. My mom doesn't like to...get unhappy at other people because they hit and scratch. (hmmm, wonder where she would get that idea?)
13. My mom looks pretty when she...wears a ponytail and a black and white and blue dress. (I just started wearing ponytails on occasion because my hair is longer and it drives me crazy. She thinks it is so fun that I do. :)
14. I love my mom because... she lets me go to bed early and lets me watch TV. (I am not sure she meant "early" because she balks every time I tell her to go to bed. And we do let her watch TV once in a while but it is before she goes to bed...no TVs in kids' rooms!)

Just had to share my little gift. :)

Reba

The Gift of Time

One time I told Mark that one of the best gifts I could have would be a week to myself at home...no kids. (Really, having him here would be a gift too but there aren't many people lining up to keep four kids for us :)

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, Mark asked if I wanted the kids with me on Mother's Day. I asked him where they would be. He mentioned that he thought he might take them somewhere for the weekend unless I really wanted them home. I assured him that I would be fine. Deep down, I was doing cartwheels in my mind...eager with excitement!

Now I want to preface all of this with the comment that I LOVE my kids. We spend a LOT of time together. And obviously I love being a mom because I have chosen to do it four times, the last two more of a choice than ever. But there are a couple of things you should know. One thing is that there are times I REALLY like being alone. In college, when I lived in the dorm (the second college), I had a private room. I loved it. I could socialize and hang out with friends, but then I could go back to my room and just enjoy the quiet. I know, kind of ironic, since I have chosen teaching and motherhood as professions. Not quiet. But I still enjoy it. I am not saying I would want to live alone all of the time. But sometimes it is just nice to have. I type this at the same time as a little boy having a major temper tantrum next to me.

The other thing is the state of the house. It is not what I would want it to be. I remember my mom telling me once to use the time (pre-kids) to organize because it would be difficult once we had children. And I should have heeded that. Of course, it is because we have children that life became chaos. Clothes, toys, school papers...and nobody ever puts things back where they go. I like organized. I really do. I know if you saw my house you would find that hard to believe. I truly want things organized. It gives me a sense of peace and calm. Unfortunately, with kids, I rarely get to do things like organize. I mean, the youngest alone is like a tornado. If I tried to empty a closet, he would find "new toys" and have them all over the house. And most days, after teaching and mothering, I am tired by the time everyone is in bed and have no energy to do anything else.

One day this week, when Mark was gone, he teasingly mentioned on Facebook that maybe this wasn't the best weekend since I missed him so much. And at times I wondered. I was so tired from staying up later while he was gone, from the wear and tear of being a single mom, and from school. Maybe it wasn't the best weekend. But in the end, I decided to go for it.

So Friday afternoon, as soon as he was able, Mark came home. He packed up the kids (with a little help from me). I tried really hard to not smile when one sweet child said, "Mom, you are going to be so sad. We are all going to be gone and nobody will be here with you." I just bit my tongue. :) A little later, I heard the oldest talking to his friend from across the street. I heard him saying, "Sorry, I can't play. We are going to a hotel so Mom can have some peace and quiet this weekend. "


One of the funny things was the reaction I got from others. Some said it sounded neat. A couple friends told me I shouldn't do anything "work" but only fun stuff. I assured them I WANTED to work, that was the whole point. Otherwise I would be the one to check into a hotel if I just wanted to do fun stuff with no kids. :) And someone said that by Saturday I would be ready for everyone to come home. I realize I may just be weird...I do love my family but I knew I would NOT be ready at that point. In fact, at first Mark had talked about coming home Saturday night and I assured him that it would be even better if he waited another day. :)

Anyway, finally Mark and the crew loaded up and headed a town away to a hotel. I will admit, for a little bit, I did nothing; I just enjoyed being home by myself. Then I ventured out to Target and enjoyed just wandering and shopping. I then picked up some dinner from Shoguns (I am hooked on their Shrimp Tempura rolls), and went home to eat. I just read the paper while I ate and enjoyed the quiet. I really did. It was a treat to have nobody demanding their milk or dinner, not answering a single question, not playing the "What If?" game, etc.

After I ate, I turned on the music and got to work. I tackled several bags I had been "stuffing" stuff in every time our house was going to be cleaned. It was mainly paperwork. Receipts, magazines, old mail. A lot of stuff that just needed a home. I had piles all over the place and was beginning to wonder if I was cleaning or doing more damage. :) I was determined to find homes though for everything. One of the hardest parts for me is that I tend to be a bit ADD when I am cleaning. I go to another room to put something away, see something that really needs to be done, and before long I have forgotten what I was doing originally. I finally had to just tell myself, if it was an area I had cleaned, then I would put whatever it was away. If it wasn't, I would just drop off whatever I had for that room and leave it for when I could get to it. Does that make sense? I did tell myself that if I found something easy to fix in a room, I could do that. :) And yes, I occasionally have conversations with myself. I also managed to exercise. I finally drifted off to sleep around 2:30. I know, crazy, but it is actually more my body rhythm. Even better, I woke up at 9:30 on my own...nobody woke me up before I was ready. :)

Saturday I started off a little slow but quickly picked up the pace. I had so many projects I wanted to do but finally had in mind a plan. I had to come to the point that I knew that I wouldn't get to do all I wanted. But if I could at least get a few things done, maybe it would help keep me motivated throughout the summer to do things when I could. I also kept a list going of little things I saw so later when I think, "What can I do?" (not that it happens often), I would know.

I started with the laundry room. It tends to be a "catch all" since it is right by the garage. We come in and drop off nonessentials there. It is also not a big room so it doesn't take much to make it look cluttered. I started off just trying to clear out some of the bags that had collected. However, when I peeked inside the cabinets, I decided, "I really should deal with those too." I wish I had taken before/after pictures, but Mark had the camera. Plus, I think I would have been embarrassed to show the "befores". I will say that the after is a remarkable difference. The room looks much bigger to me now. And I am happy knowing that the cabinets are more organized. Usually if I can get something to a state of organized, we will work harder to keep it that way. I cannot account for the kids, but they really don't go in there much anyway. I even vacuumed ON TOP of the cabinets. They were sure dusty! The laundry room alone ended up taking me about two hours!

Next, I tackled the kitchen. I decided that a lot of my shelf liners needed to be cleaned. I can never understand how they get so dirty when they are inside cabinets. It isn't like we put dirty dishes back in the cabinet. It is a mystery to me. Anyway, so to clean the shelf liners, I had to take everything out of the cabinets. The counters were overflowing with silverware, dishes, pots, etc. Again, I was beginning to think I was making more of a mess than helping. :) I got the liners of the major shelves in need and threw them in the washing machine. Oh, and I took a long bath with a fun magazine in the meantime...I didn't say I wouldn't allow myself ANY relaxing. :)

Afterwards, I decided to venture out. I went to Kohls to do a little clothes shopping. As usual, I tried on a lot of things but only found a few (very few) that really appealed to me. Clothes shopping is so hard for me. I really want some new things. I wear the same clothes for years. But between my body (not liking it), my height (hard to find something for short people), and my modesty (I really do have a desire for modesty, believe it or not :), it is really tough. I did find a few things though.

After Kohls, I went by a local restaurant and picked up some lettuce wraps and a little dessert. While I ate dinner, I had a phone call from a friend. It was a treat to talk to someone without the constant interruptions I get during most phone conversations. Also, at one point, Mark stopped by to pick up a few things he needed. I left them by the door for him, but when he showed up, I ran to the door to give him a little kiss. I really hadn't seen much of him in a week. I was missing him. :)

Afterwards, I got back to putting the kitchen back together. I cleared out a thing or two we don't really use anymore. Even better, I finally found a home for the large electric griddle I had gotten Mark for V-Day. It has been sitting on our counter this whole time. It takes up a lot of room, so finding a spot for it was no easy task. I then cleared out a bit of the pantry, did a quick sweep of the toy room, and vacuumed here and there. I also organized the entertainment center (DVD's, games) which was not in my plan. We are getting our new furniture for our Panasonic Living In HD goodies this week, so I planned on waiting. However, I went to do a little Wii Fit for my exercise and could not find it anywhere. I used the elliptical to get my time in, then went back to organize. It was much needed. All in all, it was 3:30 before I went to bed. I wasn't even truly tired then but knew I needed some sleep. And I did. I didn't wake up until 11:00ish.

After a light breakfast, I took a little time to organize Joshua's room. I also started the dining room (which for now is the current home of winter clothes that need to go SOMEWHERE) and just for fun, goofed on the computer for a while. I didn't get a whole lot accomplished today. At one point, I just kind of gave up. I knew my crew would be coming home for afternoon naps and most projects would take longer than the time I had available.

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. I really did enjoy the peace and quiet and even more, just the opportunity to get some things taken care of. I don't feel quite as overwhelmed with life (at least not at this moment) nor like I am drowning in "stuff". It was one of the greatest gifts Mark has given me...the gift of time.

Reba