Getting it right...

After a few "downer" posts (not really downer but "real" :), I thought I should write a positive one...

Every night I go to bed, feeling like a failure.

I am not the mom I want to be. I make mistakes daily.  You would think after 14 years of doing this, I would get it right. I haven't yet.  And for a perfectionist, that is a tough pill to swallow.

Yet lately I have been thinking that as much as I do wrong, I actually do a few things right.

So that is what I thought I would share today...a few things I am doing "right" in the parenting department.

• I encourage my kids' creativity.  I keep "creative" things on hand like markers, paper, stickers, paints, playdough, etc.  I rarely turn them down when they ask to do those things (unless we are about to have company).  
• We have the bedtime thing down.  We have a good routine.  They are all good sleepers.  (Note:  there are many ways to get to this point...I am just glad we found one of them :)
• We eat a variety of foods.  We eat shrimp. We eat fish.  We eat Thai. We eat Mexican.  We are still working on variety in vegetables, but overall, we eat a variety of foods which makes my job of planning meals much easier.
• I have always encouraged reading.  If my children were interested in The Titanic, we got Titanic books.  We have books every where...toy room, bedroom, living room, even the car.  I let the kids "read" during breakfast and lunch (which I often do too).  And thankfully, all four are readers who truly love a book.  If I mention a trip to the library or Barnes and Noble, their faces light up.
• We have learned to roll with the punches.  I can't say I do it 100 percent of the time, but hopefully more often than not.  Spilled milk?  Well, wipe it up.  Rainstorm ruined our plans? What can we do instead?
• They know I love their dad. I have a "I Love You Because..." sign (framed) in the bathroom next to my husband's sink.  I change out the answer 2-3 times a week (with a dry erase marker).  Not only does he read it but they do too. They know I love him, and they can see specifically what I appreciate about him.
• They are learning responsibility through chores.  We have a daily chore chart.  We rotate out emptying the dishwasher, refilling the dishwasher, taking out the recycles, and cleaning the bathroom each night (as well as setting/clearing off the table). The kids also have an extra chore each day which might be sorting clothes, vacuuming their rooms, taking out the trash, etc.  And yes, even the 6 year old does these things (we help a little with the dishwasher but he is almost able to do it himself).  If we start to see "half-hearted" attempts on chores, the offender gets to "practice" for the next three days on that chore. :)
• I try to instill responsibility. We are all working on that one.  I do take care of school paperwork immediately and establish an "accountability" routine (get your folder out as soon as you get home).  If you break something that belongs to someone else, you get to replace it.  
• We are (hopefully) teaching financial habits with allowances.  One child was spending a lot at school for lunches. We incorporated extra money into that allowance and now the child can use as much as he/she wants...but if he/she runs out of money before the month is up, that child will have to use his/her own money or pack a lunch.  Another child loves social activities.  We will pay for certain things but many activities come from his/her own allowance.  If they want a toy or a pack of gum, they can get them...with their own money. :)
• I (hopefully) model service to them with things such as buying for angels off the angel tree at Christmas, praying for friends at dinner or at night, and making meals for others.  
• I (hopefully) model faith to them.  When faced with tough situations, we pray.  I cannot quote a lot of Scripture, but we talk about God's faithfulness even in the tough times.  I speak openly about my walk with God and often pray for them/with them for their own walks...
• I model wonder of the world. I get excited about baby birds in our doorway.  I run outside to take pictures of sunsets.  I stop to check out a beautiful butterfly. I see that now in them.  Our youngest child will stop and say, "Look at that pretty sunset, Mom..."
• The gift of exploration.  We hike a lot. Not all of the kids enjoy it but at some point, they all have fun.  We explore new places and talk about the neat things God made around us.  I hope that as my kids go through life, they will continue that exploration whether it is through hiking, travel, interests, etc.
• I encourage their interests.  I have never "forced" my kids to play anything.  But if they show an interest (in gymnastics, in baseball, in cross country, etc), we encourage them to pursue those things. No pressure.  Just try them out and see if that is something they want to continue...
• I hopefully balance the needs of the house and the wants of the children.  I have read those posters about how messy houses mean happy kids. I don't know that I totally agree with that.  I know that I feel unsettled in mess. So I try to keep things organized. We talk about keeping up with our belongings and putting things away.  But at the same time, we sometimes will stop and go for a swim or just play a game.  Hopefully they are learning balance.
• Honesty.  I try to be honest with them.  One recently asked me if I thought about running away sometimes. I was honest.  "Yes.  But I don't.  But, yes, I do think about it some days..."  When they ask me about death or love or news/current events, I try to be honest (age appropriate). 
• I look for the meaning behind their behaviors.  It is easy to immediately jump on misbehavior, but sometimes I realize what I really have is a tired child, so we just move bedtime up.  Or a child is really hungry, so we get a snack. I am not perfect at it but I do try.
• I teach consequences (especially natural).  "Yes, you can wear those shorts, but you may not say ONE word about being cold..."  "Oh, you lost that dollar I gave you? Too bad. I hope next time you will put it away..."  "If you leave that golf club outside, it will rust.  I will not buy you a new one." 
• I am (fairly) flexible.  I expect the kiddos to keep their room fairly neat but it is their room.  That was evident today when the girls rearranged their room yet again...I let them try things out. If they don't like it, they change it.
• I encourage independence.  I don't make lunch at all for anyone except myself and the youngest.  If they want macaroni, they can make it.  I do regular laundry but if you just HAVE to have something (and didn't get it in the baskets on time), you can do your own :)
• I love them.  And I try to show them in a thousand different ways.  I may not be the most affectionate. Or the "lovey dovey" mom others may be. But I hope at the end of the night, they all know how much I love them and how thankful I am they are my children...

How about you? What are you getting right?

Reba

Up for the Challenge, Part 2

Just in case you are wondering what on earth I am talking about when I mention "parenting challenges" with adopted children, here are a few we have dealt with at some point...

• sensory issues (for us, one child prefers limited sensory input while another seeks it out all of the time)
• trust issues
• obedience issues (which often have fear at the core of them..."Will they get rid of me if I disobey?"  We deal with lots of "tests" of our commitment)
• anxiety issues (especially fear of separation)
• communication issues (especially for international adoptions where English might be a second language)
• relationship issues (learning how to love...sounds easy, doesn't it?)
• self-esteem issues
• sleep issues (we have been fairly fortunate in that one)
• attention issues

This is not an exhaustive list...just a few that came to mind.

I remember once mentioning some sort of issue on Facebook that we had dealt with that morning.  A (well-meaning) friend who does NOT have adopted children asked, "But isn't that just an excuse for their misbehavior?"

Um, no.

We don't excuse misbehavior.

I have just learned that sometimes there are issues bigger than what we see on the surface.

So, moving on to what I really intended this post to be.

What have I learned from all of this?

I mean, parenting is a challenge, and the past few years I have faced more challenges than I ever hoped to.  I have cried a lot. Prayed a lot. Screamed at God a lot.  Regretted a lot.  And learned a lot.

So all is not in vain.

I have learned...

• to be a better teacher.  I see kids in a whole new way.  Even children who aren't adopted could face some of these same issues. I understand now. I get it.
• to have thicker skin. I still don't have the thick skin I would like to.  Words and critiques still hurt me.  But I am learning to shake it off.  Yes, that was my child who just blurted out that in appropriate comment in public...what can I do? I shrug. I can train and teach but I canNOT control that tongue. Trust me I have tried.
• to not judge.  There is so much judgment in the world.  And for some reason, parenting is fair game for the judgment game.  But I don't play that game.  I have been humbled. I have learned.  Sometimes you can do all you do but ultimately your children are who they are.  Parents handle different situations in different ways.  Who am I to judge your way is better/worse than mine?  We do what we have to do with what we know and have to work with...
• to be an advocate for my children.  Not an "in your face" kind of advocate. Not abrasive or defensive.  More like "We have found that this works for this child..." or "Here is a little background on this child..."  So far, all teachers and caregivers have been respectful and open to our thoughts and suggestions.
• to not take things at face value.  Not long ago, one child swatted the head of another child (and a loud protest from the swatted child followed).  THANKFULLY, I had been watching the situation. A bug had flown onto the swatted child's head.  The "offender" was trying to get the insect out. It was not malicious, not intended to hurt.  It was actually an attempt to help (though the swatted child didn't seem to think so :).  I was able to adjust MY reaction based on that.  I am also learning that certain behaviors are often driven by fear.  If I can soothe those fears, no matter how "silly" they seem to me, I am much more likely to get a good response.
• that it is not all about "winning". Yes, I want obedience and respect but I can't command it.  Even if I get it by commanding it, would it be genuine?   So sometimes I have to approach things differently...I still hope for the same final result but it may look different.
• to be creative.  For one child, running around the block can help us have a better day at school. If that works, why not?  
• to pray.  A lot.  Though probably still not as much as I would like to.
• to be honest. I am probably honest to a fault.  I could sugarcoat things.  Pretend everything is perfect.  But it is just not who I am.  (Please note:  It is NOT complaining or whining...it is just being honest. Some days are hard.)  I am thankful for the opportunities that honesty has opened to talk with other parents who are struggling too.  We shouldn't walk alone in this world nor feel like we are the only ones dealing with these things.  If I can get even one person to think, "Wow, I am not alone...", then all of this is worth it.
• to educate myself. I read more "professional development" books and articles now than I ever have my whole life.  I am doing it for myself as a parent but find that often these same things work in the classroom.  
• there is hope.  I mean, I know THE Hope of the world.  But I am reminded recently that there is hope.  We see big changes in one of our kiddos (and HOPE for big changes in another :).
• to celebrate the good days.  Okay, "good' may be relatively speaking but we take what we can get around here.  Even on the "bad" days, I can often look back and remember that we still have come a long way.  And that is a good thing.  For all of us.
• to do what we feel is right to do.  It may be against what the world, what friends, what strangers, what even family thinks (that one is the hardest for me) is the right way to handle situations.  However, as someone who is IN the trenches all of the time, we just have to handle things the way we see fit. And if it doesn't work, then we try something else.
• to tag team.  My husband has always been involved, but since I am the one who is home more, I am much more likely to do deal with misbehavior/issues.  And I have always taken pride in the fact that I can.  Except sometimes I can't.  And that is okay. I have learned it is okay to call him and say, "Help me..."  And honestly, there are times he just handles things better than I can/do.  And that is okay too.  
• to not compare. Okay, I still struggle with that one but I am learning.  It isn't fair to compare these situations to a family who doesn't have any of these same situations. We are going to come out losers every single time.  
• to just walk away.  Sometimes it is necessary.  That could mean from the child who is pushing my buttons.  Or it could mean from others who feel the need to judge us.  Sometimes I just have to walk away, head held high, and remember, the only one who will ever judge me as I should be judged, is God.  
• to laugh.  Sometimes my choices are laugh or cry.  And the crying does come on occasion. But more often than not, I choose to laugh.  

Well, I must get to bed because there is a LOT more parenting to do tomorrow.

Hopefully this post gave you just a small insight to where we are in life right now.

We don't want pity.  We don't want judgment.  We don't want advice (unless you are in a VERY similar situation).

We just want prayers and encouragement and empathy...

More later,
Reba

Celebrating the Little Things...

Due to the food sensitivities of one of our kiddos (that I really will address in part 2 of "Food for Thought" at some point), one thing we haven't been doing is eating out.

Now if you know us at all, we used to eat out fairly regularly.  I am not sure it was weekly.  But it was at least twice a month.  And maybe sometimes more than that.

At the beginning of October, when we changed up our child's diet, that all came to a screeching halt.

I will confess, once in a great while, hubby and I grab a bite to eat.  Those rare date nights.

And three of the kids have had a meal or two out with friends.

But our family eating out has been non-existent.

Much to the dismay of our kids.

It is funny the things we grow accustomed to.

I can't say they accepted it gracefully.

Almost every Sunday after church (a common time for eating out), our kids have asked, "Can we please, please, please eat out today?" 

Sometimes they even chant restaurant names.

I have tried to be VERY careful about how I address it.

I don't want one child to feel the brunt of the siblings because of it.

I mean, it isn't the child really.

It is us.

Us because we know the child and the needs.

It is our decision.

That being said, here we are three months later.

We have learned a lot along the way. 

We are still learning.

But we at least have a pretty good idea about what works.  And what doesn't.

Since the holidays are over and things have settled down, I felt like it was time.

Time to try.

It used to be when we went out to eat that we would hop in the car and then try to figure out what kind of food we were in the mood for.

Easy peasy.

This time wasn't quite as easy. 

I had to do some legwork before.

I really researched both restaurants and menus.

Changed my mind a few times.

And finally settled on one.

Then I packed a few items up in a little "cooler".

Did a quick menu rundown with the child.

And finally we were ready to go.

I should mention that I post a menu in the kitchen every week, so the kids knew what we were doing.

And they were besides themselves with excitement.

One kid was counting down.  Daily.

The food sensitive kid could barely sit still Friday.

His teacher even knew that he was going out to eat.

So finally it was here.

We hopped in the car (with our little cooler) and went.

And it was good.

The kids (younger) were a bit out of practice with manners and took a bit of time to settle down.

But they finally did.

And we enjoyed every minute. Well, most minutes.

The ordering was a bit complicated but the restaurant handled it all with ease.

The food was good.

And I think the whole experience was much more appreciated this time around.

Happy and full, we came home and watched a little t.v. as a family before heading to bed.

The best part?

We didn't have any major fallout today (usually it is about a 12 hour delayed reaction).

It gives me hope.

We won't be eating out every week.  (We don't really need to anyway)

And our eating out locations will definitely be limited from now on.

But we now know it is possible.  We can do this.  

So today, we are celebrating the little things...

Reba

The Fog is Lifting

This has been a stressful time. 

As in the whole year.

Stressful.

And it is easy for me to get caught right up in the stress.

In some ways, it is like being under a fog.

When times are like this, it is difficult to look out beyond my own circumstances.  My own worries. My own concerns.

I want to, but I can't.

However, about a week ago, I realized that I was letting myself worry too much.  (I know, any worry is probably too much)  I also realized (though I knew this before but had forgotten :) that I was worrying about many things I had no control over.  Obviously if I had any control over them, I would have gotten them UNDER control so I wouldn't worry about them. :)

And slowly the fog lifted.

I can't say that life got easier.

It hasn't.

School has a lot of pressures right now as we implement new curriculum and have new standards to meet (as teachers).

We are still struggling with how to best help our kids be the best people they can be.

We are running all over in the afternoons and evenings so kids can do their activities.

We struggle to find time together as a couple (though we often manage to squeeze in a few minutes here and there; if anything, we have a spontaneous sushi night together or run to the grocery store when time allows.

I am having to learn that I just can't please all people as much as I would like to.  I also have to accept that some people won't please me either as much as I would like them to.

I am not getting to hike like I would like. :(

I feel like I am failing at the blogging world.  Every. Single. Day.

Some friends and family are dealing with tough stuff too...much tougher than anything I am dealing with.

But even with these difficulties, the fog is lifting.  I can focus my eyes on the Sun again, remembering that God is in control.  (I say that to my children often...why is it so hard for me to believe?)  I can see the beautiful colors that are emerging around us as autumn unfolds in our area.  I can treasure the sweet moments with our children even if they are sometimes overshadowed by the struggles.  And I can know that even in the struggles of school, I am there for a reason and a purpose...that has never changed.

More soon,
Reba

On the Ledge

I am going to be honest here.

It has been a tough summer.

Really, the summer has not gone the way I wanted.

Most of it is out of my control.

I started off the summer excited. It was going to be our longest summer ever!  Hooray!  More time to just be. To just enjoy.  Except that things haven't gone that way. And I find myself whining, "This is the longest summer ever..."

Who knew this would be the hottest summer ever? That our grass would crunch under our feet?

The heat, more than once, has squashed some of my summer plans.  I mean, it is too hot to even run over to a swimming hole. Not to mention, there is probably no water IN the swimming hole.

And then there is the job stuff. Don't get me wrong. I support my husband 100% (and more) in his job quest.  And it wasn't like we asked for the changes anyway.  But it has still been a bit stressful.  And it is a big test of faith. Going from a steady paycheck to basically "commission" (not to mention the costs involved with start up)...well, it is a bit unsettling. And new.

And then there is parenthood.  It is not easy.  And this summer, it has been less than easy. I don't want to get into specifics.  I will just say one or more child is experiencing growing pains.  Not physical ones. Emotional ones.  And with that, I am experiencing growing pains too. I am learning new ways to parent.  Some days I feel too old. After all, I should know at this point how to parent. But I don't.  I feel like a piece of clay, stretched and pulled.  And part of me wants to cry. I do some days.  But in the end, I have to believe God is bringing me through the fire to be a vessel for Him. For my kids.  And for others.  And who knows...my kids may end up being useful vessels for Him too!

While we did have a trip to the beach (mostly fun but with some kid stress) and a week at my sister's, there are many other things I have not gotten to do that I had hoped.

And now it is winding down.

I find myself on a ledge.

On a ledge looking down below.

Trying not to think about what could have, should have been.

Instead trying to be thankful for what it has been. And for what God has intended it to be even though it wasn't my plans.

Yep.

That is me.

On the ledge.

Trusting that God will not let me fall.

Reba

No Pictures Please

Ironically, this morning, I received a parenting newsletter about not finding shame in our children's behavior.

As I read it, I found myself nodding and agreeing.

You see, parenting has been the most humbling role of my life.

I have lived my life basically trying to please others, to do the right thing, to "live right".

And most of all, I want to show that I am successful.  I know what I am doing.  I have it all together.

Sometimes I have even fooled people.

"How do you do it all?"  "How do you stay on top of things?"

Have I ever mentioned that the one minute (as in small, not a time increment) talent I have is acting?

You know, like acting in school plays in elementary school and then later in church drama groups.

More currently, I use that talent when I am in the shower and don't want to be disturbed with another tattle (pretending like I can't hear anything) or when I am not really wanting to get up yet so I act like I am still sleeping while secretly listening to the goings on in the house.

But enough about that...


Before I had kids, I had in my mind a picture of what kids who have good parents look like.

I mean, I was a teacher.

I had experience.

With kids.


As a teacher.

Not a parent.

Then I became a parent.

And suddenly I didn't know nearly as much about parenting as I thought I did.

The funny thing is that in reality, our older two are fairly "easy".  At least in public.  Most of the time.

So even though I had some humbling moments with them, I really thought we were doing it right as parents.  All the ideals we hold tight to, they must be working.

Except God had other plans for us...plans in the way of two more children.

And suddenly I was on my knees begging for help.

Please don't get me wrong.

I love all of my kids.

And they are all neat kids.

None of them are perfect, and none of them are "better" than the others.

Some are just maybe a little easier. :)

And some are better out in public than at home.

I won't embarrass any of the guilty parties with stories, but trust me, there are plenty.

I am learning more and more that I need to continue to hold onto the ideals I truly believe.  And I need to know that my children ARE responsible for their own decisions.  I also am realizing more and more that one size doesn't fit all.  My children have very different personalities and what works with one will not work with another.

I still sink into bed some days, feeling like a complete failure.

But when I do, I remember a couple of things.

We (humans) have the "perfect Father" and yet we fail all of the time.

And some of our kids are on their best behavior when outside the house.  Since I am parenting all of them, I can't be doing all of it wrong.

Why all of this?

Today was Readoption Day.

It sounds funny to say that.

Our kids ARE our kids and have been since we brought them home.

And they were citizens the first time their little feet touched the ground which in our case was the Houston International Airport which probably has a more official name than that.  But that is beside the point.

Some people readopt right away.

We didn't.

Like I said, they were already citizens (which isn't always true in international adoption cases).  And it costs money.  After the money we had already spent with the adoptions and the travel expenses and all of the other stuff, it wasn't money we were ready to spend.

But there are advantages to readopting which is why we chose to do it.

A big one is that our kids will have a birth certificate from our state which is MUCH easier to get than the one from their birthcountry.

No, it won't say they were born here, just that they were adopted here.  Or readopted.

The other reason we chose to do it was that we changed our son's name (unofficially) when we brought him home.  However, every time we call the doctor's office to make an appointment, we have to use his given name which is the name he came to us with (they did change his last name to ours when we adopted).  Since he is about to start school, we felt like he needed the official name change.  Otherwise he would constantly get called by his given name and likely wouldn't respond since we never called him that. :)

Anyway, it only took five years but we finally met with a lawyer a couple of weeks ago.

And just like that we had a "court" date.

A formality.

We just needed a judge to sign and say we were readopting (and changing our little guy's name).

Sounds so simple.

We got all dressed up.  I took my camera. I have seen pictures of other friends' readoptions.

And we drove to the courthouse.

I am not sure what went wrong.

My children.

Maybe they were uncomfortable. They were in a very unfamiliar setting. Or maybe they knew there was little we could do with them.  I didn't see myself saying, "Um, Judge, could you excuse me while I remove this wayward child from your chambers to discuss his/her behavior?"  Maybe the summer solstice had an effect on them.  Or maybe God just thought I needed another taste of humility (really, God, I have had enough...I get it!).

Something happened.  My children put on a show.  Not an entertaining one, especially for their father and me.

In fact, I wanted to turn the show off.

I am thankful the judge is a mom and seemed to understand.  That or she felt really sorry for us.

The paperwork was signed though hubby and I both hesitated when they asked the question, another formality, "Do you wish to adopt these children?" 


As I looked at one child standing on his head in the chair across from the judge and the other hardly answering any simple questions, I had to consider it carefully.

Apparently our judge wasn't into pictures. Or she just wanted us to leave.  I don't blame her.  I wanted to leave and go far far away.

She didn't ask for pictures.

And honestly, I don't need pictures to remember the day.

I am just trying to figure out what I can do to FORGET the day.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is another day.

I just don't want any more of that humble pie for dessert...

Reba

The Spirited Child Part 2

Before I continue, I want to say that these posts (I hope) are meant to be informative. I am in NO way putting down my children or critiquing them. They are who God made them to be. Yes, it can be challenging at times but the same qualities that can drive me crazy can be good things in life too, as I will point out later. :)

As I mentioned yesterday, I quickly went through the "quiz" and figured out pretty quick that our youngest (I could try to be all secretive but you would figure it out pretty quick) is a spirited child. (I also figured out that both Mark and I are NOT spirited parents. We are "spunky" parents. :)

What was interesting though was that as I went through the ratings scale, another one of our children came to mind several times. So I decided to go back and rate her.

Spirited.

But in a totally different way.

One of the first things the book reveals is that there are "introverted" spirited kids and "extroverted" spirited kids.

We have one of each. :)

And reading through this section made so much sense.

One of our children feeds off the energy of others (often leaving others with NO energy). He has to be around people. I have felt suffocated some days when I couldn't even make dinner without that little person right beneath my feet. I am more of an introvert so that can be really draining for me. But for him, it was just what he needed.

The other child is on the introverted side. In fact, she reminds me a lot of myself in some ways.

Being around people, being social for long periods of time, etc, can be exhausting.

In fact, if I notice that she is getting agitated and I feel like it is because she is drained from being social, I send her to her room. Not as a punishment. Just as a time to "recharge". I sure need to do that sometimes...

But most people fall into the extrovert/introvert category. We are pretty much evenly split in our house.

So, what are the qualities of a spirited child? What makes the spirited child different?

Intensity. Strong reactions. That is one of the obvious ones with both kids, but especially the youngest. We have always said whatever he does, he does it to the fullest. When he is sad, he is REALLY sad. When he is happy, he is REALLY happy. Not really manic depressive but it sometimes can feel that way. That passion will be a driving force for him one day. We just have to learn a little control with them. :)

Persistence. Another quality that will serve the spirited child one day. They will be problem solvers. They will not give up. They will persevere. However, at this point of time, it can be exhausting. Like to the point of feeling like I want to collapse. Child 4 has been like this since the day we met him. In fact, his foster mom's parting words of advice, "Don't be surprised when he screams out. When he wants something, he lets you know." Except she said it all in Spanish. And that is so true. We are currently working with him on not interrupting. But it is difficult. I try to ignore him if he interrupts to tell me something that could have waited. It is REALLY hard to ignore when he is in my lap, holding my cheeks, yelling at the top of his lungs. Okay, maybe a bit dramatic. But I will say that when he wants something, he will let us know. Over and over and over. The key of course is not giving in, and we rarely do. But that would be why I often collapse at night out of exhaustion. Because saying "no" 1000 times a day is a tiring experience.

Sensitivity. Both kiddos have shown this. (Really, we all have our "sensitive" issues. I cannot stand tags on my shirts or tight elastic.) One child is really sensitive to clothing. It is getting better with age, but I will say that I still think seriously before buying anything new. The other child has the most heightened sense of senses. He can spot an airplane that looks like a dot in the sky. Smells...oh my. There can be the only faintest of smell in the air and he perks up, "What is that? What do I smell?" I also think he tends to be rough and tumble because he is seeking that touch.

There is a story in the book about a father taking his spirited daughter to the movies. It was such an experience with all of her sensitivities. It was one of my favorite parts of the book. I was laughing so hard, I was crying. I told Mark all about it as we were driving somewhere. He was half listening (maybe because he was focused on driving). A few weeks later, Mark took the kids to the movies (a rare treat around here). When he came home, he shared that his experience with this child was not much different than the one in the book. And I wasn't surprised in the slightest.

Distractible/Perceptive. Try taking a walk with a spirited child. You will not get very far. Maybe not even out the door. The spirited child notices things and must stop to investigate them. Things that nobody else notices. Little details. Like a nest in the tree. Or the crushed crayon in the parking lot at school. (Happened today) And I will admit, when we are in a hurry, which happens a lot, it can be maddening. But it has also taught me to slow down and notice the little things in life.

Adaptable. Transitions are tough for the spirited child. In some ways, it is like they are "ultra focused". They want to finish that puzzle. Or that Lego house. And telling that child that right now is not the time to do it because it is now dinnertime is like telling him/her the world is coming to an end. Change is hard. (Remember that "persistence" factor earlier?)

The next few characteristics are considered "bonus" traits meaning they may not apply to ALL spirited children, but they are often a common feature among that group of kids.

Regularity. This is the only "quality" that does not apply to either of my spirited children. SOME children have a hard time establishing a regular pattern for eating, sleeping, etc. That isn't a problem for mine. Of course, I am pretty big on routine, so maybe I haven't given them much of a choice. :)

Energy. High. Really high. Not necessarily ADHD which often comes to mind. But their energy is more than your typical non-spirited child. Like other factors, it will eventually help these kids in their work, in school, in life. But for now, it can just be exhausting for the parents. It is, trust me.

First reaction. There usually isn't a first reaction. It is more of a non-reaction unless someone tries to force a reaction. The spirited kid may shut down when faced with a new situation. Temporarily (or at least in our house). Once they warm up, watch out, World!

Mood. This applies to one of mine more than another. It is the "serious" and "analytical" mood that can come across very sarcastic, very critical.

To a lot of people, this list would look mostly negative. And like I said, they can be challenges. But all of these characteristics can work in these children's favor too as they grow and learn.

The tough part as a parent is to help that happen.

And that will be part of my next post. Living with a spirited child AND how to be a friend to parents of a spirited child.

More soon!
Reba

Those Worthwhile Moments

I am not going to lie.

Being a parent is the HARDEST job I have ever had.

I really had no idea what I was getting into. Had I known, I may have run the other way. Yes, it is rewarding at times. Yes, I feel called to do it (apparently). And yes, I am giving it my all (most days). But it is still hard. And I feel like a failure more often than not. I have yet to find a "manual" to tell me exactly how to handle situations. That in itself creates more stress then I care to have some days. I would also be lying if I said that I have NEVER thought of just walking away. I know, I know. I would miss them. But the thought does cross my mind on occasion. I do cry at times out of frustration. And this week was no exception.

In fact, this week had some downright tough moments.

But just when I think I am at the end of the rope, there are these worthwhile moments. The moments that give me a little hope. The ones that help me get up the next day to do it all again (even those days every fiber of my being screams to not :)...

Here are just a few of those worthwhile moments that have kept me going...

• Getting a text from my child's teacher letting me know it had been a good day
• Picking up that child that afternoon and having him present me with this "ring" that he got from the treasure box. Instead of choosing something for himself, he chose something for me. And if I forget to wear it, he makes sure to remind me. (It is a bit snug though :)
• Making dinner with my daughter (actually, I have done that with both daughters this weekend)
• Singing to pop hits after dinner (Daddy's ipod in the background), dancing to the music together
• Watching a movie with the big kids that had us laughing until we cried
• Praying with Child 3. I make a point to pray with her almost every night, often praying for things she can work on as well as things we are thankful for about her. She almost always quizzes me after the prayer, wanting to know what I meant and how she can do something better.
• Going out to eat with the family and sharing a dessert. Even better, getting to the end of the meal and realizing that it really is getting easier. No meltdowns. No wiggliness. Just enjoying eating together.
• Spiritual conversations with the kids. The girls especially have been really asking questions about heaven, the fruits of the spirit, the meaning of Christianity.
• The moment Child 3 and I talked about heaven recently. She asked me if people who believed in God would be there. I told her that it would take more than belief. After all, even Satan believes in God. It would take FOLLOWING God. She asked, "Like when you and Daddy thought you were done with two kids, and God told you to go to Guatemala and adopt two more? You followed him?" I can't say that she came up with that all on her own; we have discussed that before. But she is actually listening to me!
• The thanks the kids give when we sit down to eat. At least one, usually two, will thank me (and whoever helped) for cooking the meal.
• Being told that we are the best parents in the world when we help a child organize his room.
• Hearing my kids say that Marley was the best gift they had been given. I won't tell them she was really a gift for me. :)
• Watching my boys cheer and clap for their sister on the basketball court.
• Having my youngest cheer when he finds out I am taking him to Sunday School. Then hearing him call down the hallway (repeatedly), "Bye, Mom!" I did answer about four times, but it didn't seem to quench his need to say it...
• Hearing my kids giggle.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that there are worthwhile moments. They may not happen as much as I would like. But they do happen.

For that, I am thankful.

More soon,

Reba

Saving the Best for Last...

Yes, two posts in one day. (Note, when I started this post, it was technically last night, and the date stamp probably shows that. However, it is now the next morning and I am just now finishing it. Story of my life...)

You would think since I was at home all day with a child who recovered fairly quickly and didn't seem as sick as he did yesterday (I know he wasn't faking because 1) he is only 2 1/2 and 2) I know he had fever even going to bed last night), I would have accomplished something. Anything. Alas, I did not. I have been more tired than usual and today was no exception. I just chilled with our sick little guy and took a nap. I didn't get back into action until everyone was home and I needed to monitor chores, supervise homework, make dinner, etc.

As usual, I digress...let me re-focus. :)

I have been thinking a lot about "lasts". You know, we tend to record the firsts of our children, like first tooth, first steps, first words. And those are all noteworthy things to record. But what I am often struck with is the "lasts". I have heard there is a book about this on the shelves, though I cannot remember the name of it. I need to read it. We don't typically record the "lasts" because we don't realize more often than not that they are THE last.

Things like the last bottle I had to wash. We were moving our youngest away from bottles anyway. In fact, after his first birthday, we had him down to just one bottle before bed. Our goal was to eventually drop it. But before we could, there was one night I got the bottle as usual and he told me in his own way that he didn't want it. And he never had one again. :( While I knew it was time for it to happen, it still made me sad. I loved that time of feeding him before he drifted off to sleep, singing little lullabies, rocking in that glider. In a blink, that time was gone.

Or there is the last picture book I read with the two older kids. I wish I knew what they were. It wasn't an all of a sudden thing, it just kind of evolved. And at the time I didn't realize when we had reached the end. I have always tried to read to them before bedtime. And I have read many a story (still do to the younger ones). But as the two older kids became better readers, they started wanting to read on their own. I was so excited when child 2 got the Little House on the Prairie book set. I envisioned us reading it together and talking about that pioneer life and the role of women. Instead, she devoured the whole collection that summer...I don't think I got to read a word of it.

Even little things make me stop and ponder. All of our kids except for the youngest one have said "nilk" rather than "milk". I don't know why. Mark and I both speak fairly clearly and without much of an accent. We would try to correct them and just get the same response, "Nilk..." (Joshua has always said it the right way) Except all three one day didn't say "nilk" but rather "milk". I don't know when it happened. I probably didn't notice right away. But it did happen, and I wonder, "How? Where did that time go?"

Other lasts...

• The last time three of the four used a pacifier (the fourth uses fingers which by the way are not as easy to take away). Okay, I had more control over this "last". But even then, I am not sure I knew it would be THE last time. I just remember thinking, "We will try it tonight and see how it goes..." Then for whatever reason, at some point, it went fine, and there was no looking back. I still have one stuck in the back of a kitchen drawer. I cannot part with it.
• The last time we used a stroller. We still do with the youngest a little but the day is coming. That "last" is coming, all too soon. (Which I kind of hate since the stroller is so fast as opposed to my hip)
• The last bath. Even child 4 has decided that showers are the way to go. He asks for one almost nightly. No baths. And I wonder, "When did that stop?"
• The last baby food jar. I recently threw out a couple of jars of babyfood that had expired. I don't know when or why we stopped. At one point, I thought our youngest would eat it forever. But things change. And this did.
• The last nose I wiped. Of course, I am still wiping noses for our little guy, but when did I cease to do that for the other kids? Isn't it strange how one day you look back and think, "Wow, I never wipe noses any more?"
• The last time I buckled them in their carseats. Again, I still do this for child 4. But I know in another year or two, I won't be buckling anyone but myself into the seat belt anymore. Just one day they can do it, and that chore of your life is over.
• The last diaper changed. Again, we still do that with child 4. And I am just fine with that. He is our baby and unless God sends a sign in flashing neon, he is the last of our clan. I have been in no hurry to have him grow up. I am not purposely keeping him a baby. In fact, I already marvel at how much he IS growing up. I am just not rushing it. He isn't quite ready to be out of diapers (physically), though I know he is getting close. I just know with the others, especially one of the girls, it happened in an instant. She just told me that she was done wearing diapers, and she was. She never looked back. And suddenly, again, that task of life was over.
• The last time you brush their teeth. Okay, we still do that on occasion with one of ours. But I cannot think of the last time I did it for the older kids.
• The last time we cut up food. Honestly we still do that a lot but not as much as we used to. Suddenly, getting dinner ready means simply putting food on the plate and letting the child eat from it.
• The last time we carry a diaper bag. Though one is still in diapers for the time being, we very rarely carry a bag into restaurants for him. We still grab a bib and a Table Topper but that is it. I still feel a little like...well, like something is missing. Yet it is freeing. When we are out and decide to grab some food, we don't have to worry about having snacks available, we don't have to have the sippy cup anymore, and even if we don't have a bib, more often than not, we are okay.

Obviously I could go on and on, because just as there are many firsts in life, there are so many lasts. And though we don't "note" the lasts like we do the firsts, I have just found myself recently pondering these "last moments" with a little sadness, a little wonder. I remember when the kiddos were younger, people would stop me in stores and say, "Enjoy these moments, they pass much too quickly." And while I was in the middle of listening to another temper tantrum, I would find myself just saying, "Bah Humbug, enjoy these, my foot!" As usual, it has taken time, the gift of sweet precious passing time, to show me the wisdom in those words of advice. They do pass quickly. And one day, you look at your pre-teen or even your toddler who is almost a preschooler and you wonder, "When did it happen?"

Sigh.

Reba

Keep Your Head in the Game

I have some songs running through my head. One is from High School Musical. I cannot remember which one...I, II, or III. But it is called "Keep Your Head in the Game". In the movie, it is referring to basketball. For me, it is a reference to parenthood.

The other song running rampant in my mind is an oldie but goodie that I can only remember key words from. "Oh, what a night..."

It actually started this morning. I won't name names but someone woke up REALLY grouchy this morning. So the morning started a bit rough. (By the way, I woke up tired but it was NOT me :)

Thankfully by the time we were out of the house, moods were improving. Nerves were settling. And all was well with the world.

Fast forward about 12 hours. Now it is bedtime. And guess what, we dealt with the same thing. Lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth. (This time, at least two kids were involved)

And I just shook my head and wondered "Why me?"

Let's face it. Parenting is hard work. And some days, it is almost a bigger job than I can do. Or think I do. But I have to keep my head in the game. (And hope for a time out really soon!)

More later,
Reba

More Toddler Tips

Again, I am not speaking as an expert other than I have a toddler in my house who some days is in full toddler mode. I shared a few "tips" the other day and today thought of a few more. Since I am wiped out today, I am going to fall back on what I know (somewhat). :)

A few more tips:

• Silliness. When our toddler begins to be ridiculous (or irrational I should say), sometimes (though not all of the times), silliness can win him over. Like pretending he hurts my hand when he gives me "five" or Mark turning a diaper sack into a puppet that starts to tickle him. Silliness doesn't always work. Sometimes he isn't in the mood (nor are we). But it is usually worth a try, especially if it heads off a tantrum (either him or us :).


• Outdoors. As much as I can, I try to get toddler boy (really ALL of the kids) outdoors at least for a while. i don't think sunshine can hurt too much in small doses. And I know having the opportunity to burn off some energy running around the yard does a body (and a house) good. :) Today we had a very overcast afternoon. We could hear rumblings of thunder in the background. Yet we saw no lightning nor any rain, so we stayed out as long as we could. I am thankful for outside times.


• Attention. I am finding more and more that if I can give my undivided attention for just a few minutes, I am much more likely to get some understanding when I cannot give my attention. That means stopping everything, getting on the ground, and playing trains or just pushing for a while on the swing. I have noticed if I will push for a while, I can usually say, "I am almost done pushing...I need to rest." And in a few minutes I do stop with little harassment.


• That brings me to my next point...transitions. Transition times are our most difficult times. For a toddler, it is just another example that they are not in control of themselves. Someone else is always deciding their schedules. We try to give warnings whenever possible before switching from one activity to another. I am not saying it always heads off a protest, but it does seem to help to say, "Last one" on the snack or "We are almost done..."


• Letting him win. We joke that toddler boy is a bit OCD. And he is...typical for toddlers. The same child who somehow gets spaghetti from head to toe and all over his high chair gets very teary over a little spilled milk. Then he insists upon a "wipee" which is really code word for a paper towel. I know it is ridiculous. And there are some things that we just ignore. But once in a while, it is okay for him to win. Truly, if having a paper towel helps settle him, I don't mind. We win many battles, that one little battle will not hurt us (we hope :).


• Kisses fix everything. Right now, if he falls or gets hurts in any way, he immediately is sticking the body part out and asking for "tisses". For him, "tisses" fix everything. I wish that would last for life!

Sorry so short, but I must get up and about!

Reba

Survivor: Toddlerhood

The other day after I posted "Toddler Truths", I immediately thought of more I could add. But I won't for now. Today, I am all about solutions, not just venting about problems. How can I fix this?

I did think I would share a few things I have learned about surviving toddlerhood. Not that I am an expert in any way...even after four kids, each day is a new surprise. And some days can be heavenly. Others...well, a bit trying. :) Afterwards, feel free to share your own "survival" tips. I always welcome seasoned advice and tried true tips...

1. Humor. We have to laugh. Even when there are times I have to hide my smile, I have to laugh. Like when someone is unhappy at the restaurant and suddenly a hush puppy goes flying across the table...you just have to smile (secretly). Otherwise, the tears may come. :)
2. Choices. Toddlers love to have choices. I have figured out that so many of the "tantrums" (which I use loosely...that can be a cry of disapproval or a throwdown, kicking fit) are related to the feeling of helplessness. When I give choices, I am MUCH more likely to get compliance. Right now our todr is really big on wanting to walk...everywhere! So when he is being a bit of a turkey, my question is usually, "Walk or be carried?" More often than not, he goes for the "walk" and gets up to do it, forgetting whatever he was protesting in the first place. The key is to have few choices. Toddlers also get overwhelmed with too many choices.
3. Routine, routine, routine. We have a fairly structured bedtime routine (among many others). That routine may sound rigid (though it is always subject to change) but it gives him a little power. He "knows" what is coming next. There is some comfort in that.
4. Pick your battles carefully. If you choose every battle, you will live in a warzone. It is hard not to battle each and every thing. After all, we want long term character building. It is hard not to think, "He shouldn't get away with that..." However, character building is a block at a time. So some things we just have to deal with now, some later.
5. Have a "support group". I am so fortunate to have a mom, a sister, and co-workers and friends to turn to when I am not sure how to handle things. Or to encourage me when I feel like a failure (hence yesterday's post...though that happens with all the kids, not just the toddler). They are also the ones I go to with the joys and funny adventures.
6. Remember the good times. Really, the good is MUCH more than the bad. (Right now for us the bad is any change in routine, like having clothes changed or stopping for a bath) Our toddler is the sunshine of our house. He literally lights up our lives with his infectious giggle, his silliness, his quick wit. Why do I let a two minute tantrum cloud the whole day?
7. Make them feel powerful. I think I mentioned this in Toddler Truths. Toddlers feel like they are losing all of the time. They are never old enough, never big enough, never going to "win". So sometimes I have to give him chances to "win" whether it is by carrying toilet paper from the store or letting him have just "one more" horsie ride.

I want to say a little more but must get some sleep. However, this is a good start. Please feel free to add to the list!

Reba