Tuesday, July 24, 2012

On the Ledge

I am going to be honest here.

It has been a tough summer.

Really, the summer has not gone the way I wanted.

Most of it is out of my control.

I started off the summer excited. It was going to be our longest summer ever!  Hooray!  More time to just be. To just enjoy.  Except that things haven't gone that way. And I find myself whining, "This is the longest summer ever..."

Who knew this would be the hottest summer ever? That our grass would crunch under our feet?

The heat, more than once, has squashed some of my summer plans.  I mean, it is too hot to even run over to a swimming hole. Not to mention, there is probably no water IN the swimming hole.

And then there is the job stuff. Don't get me wrong. I support my husband 100% (and more) in his job quest.  And it wasn't like we asked for the changes anyway.  But it has still been a bit stressful.  And it is a big test of faith. Going from a steady paycheck to basically "commission" (not to mention the costs involved with start up)...well, it is a bit unsettling. And new.

And then there is parenthood.  It is not easy.  And this summer, it has been less than easy. I don't want to get into specifics.  I will just say one or more child is experiencing growing pains.  Not physical ones. Emotional ones.  And with that, I am experiencing growing pains too. I am learning new ways to parent.  Some days I feel too old. After all, I should know at this point how to parent. But I don't.  I feel like a piece of clay, stretched and pulled.  And part of me wants to cry. I do some days.  But in the end, I have to believe God is bringing me through the fire to be a vessel for Him. For my kids.  And for others.  And who knows...my kids may end up being useful vessels for Him too!

While we did have a trip to the beach (mostly fun but with some kid stress) and a week at my sister's, there are many other things I have not gotten to do that I had hoped.

And now it is winding down.

I find myself on a ledge.

On a ledge looking down below.

Trying not to think about what could have, should have been.

Instead trying to be thankful for what it has been. And for what God has intended it to be even though it wasn't my plans.


That is me.

On the ledge.

Trusting that God will not let me fall.


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