What a Difference...

 seven years makes...

Sidenote:  I typically save these stories for just our private family blog.  But I am going to make an exception for this one. I want to share it in the hope that it will give hope to those who have adopted.  I want to share for those who have known us and our challenges.  And I want to give thanks to our God who has walked this journey with us, for without Him, NONE of it would have been possible.

Seven years ago, we brought home our little Miss Maria.  (I know I have pictures of that somewhere but this was the closest I could find...the top one above is from a visit trip)

So Friday I checked on my Facebook.  A friend had written on my "wall" that she had heard Maria's announcement on the radio.

And for a brief second I was REALLY confused.

Her birthday is in June.

Um...

Oh, yeah!

I had totally forgotten.

Gotcha Day.  Forever Family Day.  Homecoming Day.

It is called a lot of things by different families.  We honestly have never really called it any of those things. 

So what is it for us this year?

The 7th anniversary of Maria landing with us, her new family, in the United States of America.  (If I remember correctly, her first official time to put her feet on the ground, making her a citizen, was eating french fries at McDonald's in the Houston airport...)

We had sponsored this day with our local Christian radio station this year.

Thus the radio message.

We have never really made a big deal about this "anniversary day".  In the early years, it was kind of a bittersweet day. Sweet for our family and the blessing of finally having her home but still a reminder of the family and culture and history left behind for one confused and unhappy 2 year old.

So we celebrate birthdays big.  And rarely do we even acknowledge the "homecoming anniversaries".

But this year (in February) when I was trying to decide what day to sponsor, this date came to mind. 

So a couple months ago, I jotted down a message to be read and clicked send.

Then I hadn't really thought of it since.

This is a busy time of year.  I am trying to keep my head afloat with school.  We have volleyball and gymnastics and cross country.  We have church activities, outings with friends, etc.

And honestly I didn't think about it Friday until getting the message on FB from my friend.

Then I remembered. 

We heard the actual message that afternoon while in the car waiting for Hunter after school.

 
Maria Elizabeth, seven years ago we brought you home to our family from Guatemala. You dazzle us with your gymnastic moves, get lost in the world of reading, run with flair across the finish line at 5Ks, and loudly sing praise songs around the house. We so proud of the young woman you are becoming and look forward to watching God continue to mold you and grow you into a lady after His own heart.  No matter what life brings, we hope you dance, Maria.
Love,
Mom, Dad, Hunter, Lauren, Joshua, and Marley Pup

 
And I could see it on her face.

She beamed.

She asked if we were having a party.

She asked if she was getting gifts.

Because apparently this year, it is a big deal.

When her big sister told her nobody else got gifts, Maria defended herself.

 "Adoption is different."

And my heart smiled. 

It wasn't said with any sadness.

It was said with bitterness.

It wasn't said with anger.

It was said with pride.

With love.

With joy.

The afternoon was filled with questions about her life before us.  (I can only answer some of them since my information is limited.)  We looked through the photo album of her pre-family days.  We talked about Guatemala.

And then she asked, "Was A. (birthmom) married?"

I told her honestly I didn't know for sure but more than likely not because adoptions were not typically allowed for babies from married couples.

And I saw the wheels turning.  Felt a bit nervous about where this conversation might go.

Then, "So if she had been married, I wouldn't have gotten to come here and be part of our family."

Again, said with no sadness.

No bitterness. 

No anger.

Just love.

Unless you know us and our story very closely you will not likely know how much these conversations meant to this mama.

There are no words.

Some tears.  A lot of joy. 

No words.

We didn't really have a party or gifts.

But we did go out to eat (though we are going to have to save her favorite restaurant for another day). And then we walked around as a family (minus one) just enjoying downtown.

Which is where I snapped this second picture.

And my heart is full.

What a difference 7 years makes...

Reba

Up for the Challenge Part I

or not. :)

I really need to do my weekly wrap up before I forget what I did last week (which won't take long :).

But this post has been swirling around in my mind.

I have written some similar posts  (like Gardening RADishes and The Spirited Child in the past.

However, as it is with life, I continue to learn, continue to grow, continue to seek answers. Each and every day.

I want to preface this post with a little background. I find myself on a tightrope sometimes with the blog,  trying to keep my balance. I don't EVER want to embarrass my children or share too much about their lives.  Ever.  At the same time, I feel the need to be transparent for others out there who might be thinking or feeling the same way because that is always one of my greatest reliefs:  "Oh, you feel that way too?"

After I wrote my last post about "coming out of the darkness", I received from very sweet messages as well as some heartbreaking ones.  I cried off and on all day. So many people who said, "I am there right now. I thought I was alone..."

I don't want to hide from these emotions. From these experiences.  From this reality.

It is where I am.  It is where others are.  Sometimes it helps to get together and say, "We are not alone.  We will get through this."

So I am going to share a little here without (hopefully) sharing too much.

I am going to try to stay on that tightrope instead of crashing down into that net below.

So...here goes.

I don't think it will be shocking to you if I say that parenting is a challenging job.

At least for most people.

We all know those people with their perfect children who don't have any challenges other than choosing which scholarships to accept or where to put their child's many certificates and awards.

But for me, parenting is challenging.

I am not perfect. They are not perfect.  All that makes for a perfect storm. :)

I am going to go a little further and say (at least in MY experience) that parenting adopted children is even more challenging.

Please don't get me wrong. There are definite blessings to it.  And I am not saying I regret it.

But it is true.  More challenges.

You see, so much of a child's brain is developed in utero.  And so much of what they experience in utero affects who those children become.

When I was pregnant, I took those prenatal vitamins.  I read books to my child (even before he/she was born).  I tended to every need those first few hours of life.

With my adopted children, I didn't get to do those things.  Nor could I control who did.

So by the time my children came to me, they already had some baggage with them.  Some hurts.   Some anxiety.  Some fear.  Some needs.  Some holes in their hearts that I have learned I cannot fill.  Only God can.

I was naive.  I really was. In my mind, we would bring these children into our family, do the parenting thing we have always done, shower them with love, and within days, we would all be on the same page.

Apparently my children did NOT get that memo.

We brought them home, did the parenting thing we had always done, showered them with love, and...

Challenges.

 Lots of challenges.

Challenges I had never faced.

Challenges I didn't expect.

Challenges that quite honestly I didn't want...

I cringe some days when I get on FB. I see people giving out parenting advice through their own words or those cute little "signs".  Advice like "Just follow through..." or  "Say 'No' and mean it..."  or "If I acted like today's children do, I would never have been here to post this..." or "All that child needs is..."

It all sounds so practical.  So logical.  So matter of fact.

And for two of my children, it is.

But for two it is not.

Don't get me wrong.

I am not saying that ALL kids don't need boundaries.  Or need to hear the word "no". Or need to have consequences.

They do.

But what I have learned parenting challenging children (or as I sometimes say "kids from hard place") is that sometimes the road we took with the other kids does not lead us to the same destination with these kids.

Sometimes we have to do it differently, travel other paths.

We want the same results but we have to use different methods to get them.

Recently an adoptive mom I know posted one of those signs on FB.   "When it comes to kids, set the rules and stick with them.  Let your yes be yes and your no be no." Her comment was if only were done as easily as it was said. I immediately commented that it IS difficult in our situations.  She responded that most people don't get that.  And she is right.  Unless you are in the trenches we are in, you don't get it.  Won't get it.  Can't get it. 

If you have read this far and aren't in this situation, you are probably either feeling pity for me or doubting what I am saying.

And I get that.

I would probably feel the same way.

Except I am in this situation, and I know.

I know what I deal with each day.  I know there are hurts and struggles that I want to fix but don't have the tools to fix.  I know that I fail each and every day to parent the way I should, the way my children need me to.

Don't pity me (well, I wouldn't mind a little pity :).

It isn't all bad.

In fact, there is a lot of good.

And that is what I will be sharing in my next part in the next few days...

What these parenting challenges have taught me.

More soon,
Reba

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary...

How does your garden grow?

This nursery rhyme has been going through my mind this summer.

I don't think it is a big secret that we had kind of a rough summer.  One of our children was just a lot more challenging this summer than he/she has been before.

All I had planned (lots of organizing, some book reading, etc) went out the window as I found myself immersed in parenting books looking for any suggestions to help.

Between reading and putting things into practice...

There went my summer.

Toward the end of the summer I met with a lady I somewhat knew.  She actually studied under the author of one my parenting books.  (If you have adopted, I HIGHLY recommend "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis)

My friend J spent a couple hours listening to me, offering me advice, giving me perspective.

I needed that.

Too bad I hadn't met with her at the beginning of the summer. :)

One of the things I said to J though was "I have been parenting for a long time. It has worked well for two of them, fairly well for a third. Why is it not working here? Why can't this child just be normal like other kids?"

Because you know other kids look SOOOO much more normal than your own.

Or at least for me they do.

My friend J shared an analogy with me, thus the title of this post.

"You go to a store to buy some plants. Some plants are garden variety. You can just water them, give them sunlight, but you don't have to do anything special. They will just grow.  Others are specialty plants. They require special care to grow and blossom."

Wow.

So true.

My typical parenting worked for my kids.  Most of them.

But for one of mine (and really, probably some for another one), special care and special parenting methods were needed.

That week changes were made.

And while we still have some work ahead of us (and don't we always as parents?), we are seeing that the changes were needed.

Don't get me wrong.  It has been just as much a time of growth for me as it has for the child.  Probably more.

I have had to rethink.  Redo.  Commit more time and energy than I was before.

And unfortunately, it feels like much of the world must be growing the garden variety.  And there is often a judgment against those specialty plants and their parents.  Sad but true.

I thought years ago, we had planted those garden variety kids.  In our minds, our ideals, our dreams, they are.  They will be easy, require basic care, and will just flourish.

Yet somehow I had a specialty plant or two planted in my garden.

And like any true gardener, we will give the care and attention required be our little blossoms to help them to grow.

Reba
PS Thankfully our kids thrive much better than plants in our house; I have a black thumb :)

The Lazy Days of Summer...Or Are They?

I know I said I was going to write all about unemployment this week.  And yes, we are still there.  But there is something else on my mind.

The lazy days of summer.

Or are they?

I have fond memories of summer.

Playing in the sprinkler.  Riding my bike.  Playing with neighbors.  Playing school.  Visiting family.  Going to the library to check out piles of books.  Chasing fireflies.  Eating popsicles.  Fishing with my grandfather on the lake.  Jumping on the trampoline. 


I maybe attended VBS and an occasional day camp (then church camp and cheerleading camp later in my teen years).

They were truly the lazy days of summer.

I am not so sure many kids can say that these days.

I LOVE Pinterest (which you may know if you read the cooking blog).  But one trend that has bothered me is the multiple "pinnings" of sites with lists of activities to do with your kids in the summer to keep them busy.  One local kid publication is filled with camps...if I had enough money, I could send my kids to camps all summer long (I wouldn't, but I could).  Yesterday I listened to a lady detailing her summer.  One child is in gymnastics several days a week, while another is on a traveling baseball team.  The baseball team has ONE off week this summer. Even my kids have been known to come in and say, "So what are we doing today?"  (I just laugh because they obviously forget from summer to summer who I am :)


I am not saying activities are bad.  Or camps are bad.  Some of my kids will attend one or two.



What I am saying is that free time is NOT all bad.


In fact, it might be good.


By the way, I don't count free time curled up in front of the tv all day.


Sometimes kids need to have free time.  Whether they know it or not.



I know I do.


And when they do, they might surprise you.


The kids might turn out to be creative.  They might have imagination. They might actually play with some of that stuff that clutters their rooms.  They might find ways to fill their time, ways you wouldn't imagine.


Which is why I try to keep my summers as lazy as possible other than an occasional camp.  Or our summer vacation (which is actually very laid-back too).



Just this week, we have had tents made out of blankets.  Fashion shows.  Talent shows.  Singing. Swimming in my parents' pool.  Playing with cousins.  Coloring.  Listening to books on CD.  Reading.  Playing with the dog.  Exercising with me.  Playing with toys in the toyroom, toys that are ignored the rest of the year due to the busyness of school. Arts and crafts.



Yes, it can be a pain sometimes.  They make messes. They tattle.  They argue. They complain they are bored (at least until I offer them chores to do :).



But I still believe, deep in my heart, there is value in having free time.


They learn to entertain themselves.  They learn to work together to accomplish things. They create and plan.  They slow down.  They rest.  They recharge.  And they have fun.

And so do I.



And that is why I love the lazy days of summer.



Reba

The Spirited Child (Part 3)

So now you know what a Spirited Child is. The next step is "So what?" "What does that mean for me?"
Let me give you just a few suggestions, whether you are the parent of one or just a friend (or even observer) of one. :) This isn't necessarily professional advice. More like advice from a mom who has been there. Actually, not been but IS there.

Advice for the parents of a Spirited Child:

• Read the book (Raising Your Spirited Child). I am not saying it is the only authority on energetic, strong willed children. But it is informative. Don't be fooled by how long it is. I enjoyed every single page.
  
• Give yourself a break. Every day. It can be exhausting. Please don't misunderstand. The spirited child is NOT evil (though it may feel like that on occasion). But he/she can be exhausting. It like you have to be "on" all of the time, whether it is anticipating a meltdown, dealing with the fallout of a change in schedule, or just keeping up with the activity. You need a break, whether it is exercise, a long hot bath, or just holding the dog in your lap and chilling. Hubby just said tonight that he thinks our dog saved me. It isn't quite that dramatic, but she is a HUGE stress reliever for me. Thankfully, she is not spirited. :)
• Pray. A lot. I don't do that as often as I should but it is important. Because spirited children will not always be quite the way they are now. They do grow up. I think that spirit stays with them but eventually self-control will come. Or at least we are hoping. :) I have found that praying with that child helps a lot. I do often use that time to specifically pray for certain behaviors. It doesn't mean they are angels the next day, but at least they are listening. We just don't pray at night either. We pray before we drop off for school too.
  
• Monitor and adjust. I used to be under the impression that basically all methods work for all children. That was before Spirited Children came into my life. Sometimes you have to individualize. For one of mine, a timer makes the biggest difference. I still expect first time obedience, but he needs a warning that his time is almost up. Or he needs to know that he has a limited time to get his pj's on or he may not get to read a book. That eliminates some of the spirited child's urge to notice every little thing around him which can be rather poky.
  
• Know your child. If your child cannot handle long waits, do NOT set yourself up for failure by going somewhere where there are going to be long waits. We actually went for a period where we picked up restaurant food instead of going out (not every day, just on days we would have normally eaten out) because it was so much less stressful. It wasn't defeat. It didn't mean I didn't have control. There was just no reason to do that to ourselves. And when we felt like that child was more ready, we went out again.
• Along with knowing your child, understand his/her needs. I may think the roller coaster ride of fears is a bit silly. But it is real to them. So I make an effort to listen to what they are afraid of and help them overcome those fears. Schedules/routines are very important for both my spirited kids, even though they may balk. They need that comfort in knowing what is coming next. Our older kids' sporting events often occur when the spirited kids need to be napping or going to bed. As nice as it would be for all of us to go cheer on the big kids, it is not fair to do that to the younger kids. We take turns going to watch if needed so that we can keep the routine at home.
• Expect the worst. Changes in environment or routine can really rock a spirited child's world. Ask the parents of a spirited child what Christmas is like. I mean, Christmas brings out the craziness in the non-spirited child. Imagine what it does to the spirited kid! We can't always avoid those changes for holidays, trips, etc. Just don't expect your child is going to roll with the flow. If they do, enjoy it. But if meltdowns occur, well, do what you can to diffuse them and know in your heart that your child isn't bad. They are just reacting (strongly) to the changes. I can say that it gets better. They can outgrow some of these things.
• Be creative. Just because our children are spirited does NOT mean we don't discipline. We are actually very consistent, probably more so than with our other kids. We have to be. If we give in once, it will be expected over and over again. But we sometimes have to be creative. We do a lot of "do overs", saying "Try that again" or "Say that again". I have had to hold children, almost wrapping them, while they wriggled and fought back until the frustration had passed (to keep them safe). A surgical mask can be worn (by the child) for phases of spitting or mittens for phases of pinching. (Spirited children seem to enjoy trying out lots of phases...the good news is that they will come to an end. The bad news is we always wonder what the next one will be :) We have to be creative in day to day events too. We stopped dressing our daughter in white shirts; she couldn't handle the tank top I insisted she wear under them due to sensitivity issues. A few minutes on my elliptical machine can use up some of that excessive energy and even help calm the child.
• Anticipate. Know what might set your child off whether it is a change in routine or having to stop an activity early. Give warnings when possible. "We have to leave the house in five minutes; start wrapping up that Lego project." Or "We are going to a new house today to meet some friends. It will be new but sometimes new is fun!" I have even had one of my kiddos practice what she can say when opening presents because that first reaction is not always positive. It can come across rude when that wasn't her intent. So we practiced, role played, and even got silly with it. "What could you say if Grandma gave you a bag of dog bones?" Know your child's sensitivities. If he/she prefers lukewarm water, do NOT turn the water to the temperature you prefer. Anticipate his/her reactions.
  
• Be your child's advocate. We are very fortunate this year that the teachers of our children just accept them for who they are and are very receptive to any suggestions I have. I am thankful for that. That won't always be the case. Some people won't respect those differences, whether intentionally or just out of ignorance. When our daughter first came home (via adoption), people would just reach for her to hold her, almost grabbing her out of my arms. I mean, she was adorable. I know why they did. But she was traumatized by so many changes and now we know what a spirited child she is...she was slow to adjust. It was torture for her, and she wasn't afraid to show it. I finally had to be firm and tell people, "Let her come to you; please don't try to force that." I think some people (probably not parents of spirited children) were offended. And I really don't like offending people. But I was my child's advocate. I had to be. She couldn't do it.
• Be open to other issues. Just because a child is "spirited" does not mean he/she has a "get out of jail free" card to other issues. He/she may truly be hyperactive/ADHD. (I have learned that the doctors won't even talk about that until they are school age) Or he/she may have sensory issues (more than likely does) and may need specialized therapy to help in that. At the same time, don't be too quick to label either.
  
• Celebrate successes. It is SOOO easy to find yourself discouraged on the days when your child is a handful. I know. I have had many tears cried into my pillow. Days that I hid out in the shower trying to drown out the stresses of the world around me. Days that I have questioned myself, my children, God. But it can be easy to overlook successes. And there are some. Some need to be celebrated with children, whether it is a quick "Thank you for stopping what you were doing immediately" or "I am proud of you for handling that disappointment so well" or a trip to Fun City to celebrate a great week of self-control at school. Then there are some that need to be celebrated in your own heart, like the joy of seeing him try a food for the first time and not react badly or the first time she sits through a book without jumping all over the couch. Celebrate.
• Kind of going along with the above, don't beat yourself up. And don't let your view of your child become so negative that you lose sight of the wonderful creature God created them to be. Yes, spirited children are challenging. And there are many adjustments that need to be made for them to adjust to our world. But at the same time, those same children can grow up and be the innovators, the creators, the inventors, the leaders of our world. They have the qualities in place. They just need to learn how to channel them correctly!
• Don't compare your child to others. It is easy to do. You go to a restaurant and see a little child two years younger than yours sitting politely, not complaining, not touching every utensil on the table. It is easy to look at that child wistfully and think, "Why not me?" Just remind yourself that many children in the world are not spirited children. And it is like comparing apples to oranges when you compare the two. Instead, look around the restaurant for the other spirited children in the restaurant and give their parents an "I know, I understand" smile.
• Treasure them. Treasure that child. Remember that God created him/her in all of his/her spirit and trusted you enough to love and raise that child. Parents raising non-spirited children are not "lucky" or "more blessed" or even "more loved" by God. They just have different paths in life. Trust me when I say it has taken me a long time to truly believe those words. I wish I believed them every single moment of the day. But it is true. Now I try to thank God for trusting me enough to give me this privilege.
  

If you are the friend of a parent with a spirited child (or in my case, spirited children) OR even just the casual observer of one at the grocery store, here are a few suggestions for you:

• Don't judge. Really. Don't. Especially if you have just "regular" children. It is SOOO easy to think the other parent must not be parenting right. I know. I am pretty sure I was that person once upon a time. But now that I have both spirited and non spirited, I can say that we are very consistent in our parenting of ALL four kids. Two comply easily (fairly). Two don't. So I am pretty sure it isn't the parenting. Really, the don't judge thing can go beyond the spirited child. That child throwing a tantrum on the floor of the grocery store may have autism, be dealing with traumas you can never fathom, have just lost a parent, etc. I wish the world wasn't so judgmental. Even if people don't say it, parents of that child can see it on their faces. And it hurts.
  
• Encourage. Don't criticize.
  
• Be understanding. Of both child and mom/dad. If Mom is a little extra snappy one day, understand that it may have been a humdinger of a morning.
  
• Pray for the family.
• Help them. Last year a friend of mine (very laidback personality) invited our son to go swimming with her son. It was one of the first times I hadn't had him in the house with me for an hour or two when they weren't at school or unless he was running errands with daddy. My son had a wonderful time and enjoyed that. And I got to enjoy just a few minutes of not having to supervise every single activity of his. Even if you don't want to take the chance to have a spirited child in your presence for a while, you can help in other ways. We have had people offer to transport our big kids to their events when it interfered with the routines of our little ones. One day at church, a friend offered to walk the bigger kids to their classes (they had to be signed in) so I wouldn't have to do that with the then toddler in hand. I doubt that friend knows how much that meant to me. I still tear up thinking about it.
• Don't compare your children (or your parenting skills) to that spirited child or his/her parents. You just can't. It isn't a fair battle. Kind of on the same note, bragging about your child's straight A's or perfect school behavior is likely to cause some hurt for your friends. Just be considerate. :)
• Celebrate successes with your friends. One of my kiddos had a really good week last week. What made it even more special was the "celebrations" from friends and family via e-mail, Facebook, etc.

I am sure I could go on and on.

I think it is pretty evident I am passionate about this issue.

But I will stop for now.

Feel free to e-mail me (address is on the sidebar of the blog) or FB me or whatever if you have questions. I am no expert (really, I am not an expert on anything) but I have learned a few things or two in the past few years. Even if you don't have questions, feel free to vent or share your own parenting frustrations. I am a big believer in honesty. I love my children with ALL of my heart. But this parenting thing is NOT a piece of cake. I won't judge you for your feelings or thoughts as a parent. I have probably been there.

More soon,

Reba

The Spirited Child (Part 1)

One day I was eating lunch when I overheard someone proudly boast that if you are raising your children correctly, there is NO reason that they shouldn't be able to sit through church quietly. After all, if they begin to act up, you simply remove them, handle the situation, then return. All will be fine.

I felt ill to my stomach. I may have even lost my appetite which is highly unusual for me.

We are fairly firm and consistent in our parenting. Don't believe me? Ask my kids. Ask their friends. Ask their teachers.

But there is no way in...the world (yes, I was tempted to use another word) that my younger children can sit through a church service quietly and still. Trust me, we have tried. (By the way, our church services run longer than most but even then, I don't think it makes a difference)

I found myself thinking, "This lady must not have the type of kids I have..."

Fast forward to this past summer.

We were visiting my sister and her family while the girls attended "horse camp".

I try pretty hard to maintain our routines no matter where we are. I am big on routine and schedule, both at home and at school. I have found most kids crave that; routines are comforting and safe. Anyway, I really do try to maintain those routines. But obviously, different environment, we are out of routine already.

Meanwhile one of my children was having a hard time. I found myself putting the child in time-outs, lecturing, taking away privileges, sending him/her to bed early, etc. Anything to calm the behavior which just seemed "out of control" to me. (Note: This wasn't a "wild child" or necessarily harmful to others, he/she was just not living up to my expectations for behavior.) And of course, having your child act out in front of family is just that much worse which probably intensified my reaction which just fed his behavior even more.

I was just at the end of my rope.

Pretty much life has been like this for the past few years. It isn't bad, nor ist the child. It is just like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes we are on top of that hill, screaming with joy and laughing with delight at where we are. Unfortunately, the next week we may be plunging down, feeling like we are going to fall off the ride. And honestly, no matter which part of the roller coaster I am on in a given day, I collapse in bed, exhausted.

I had tried reading "Have a New Child by Friday" and "The Strong Willed Child". While both are good books, neither really seemed to address our areas of need. I know that a couple of my kids have strong wills, but that is not our only struggle.

One night I cried out for help on an adoption message board (which probably just narrowed down which child I am talking about :). And the title of a book soon popped up..."Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

I didn't hesitate.

I ordered it.

When the book arrived, I dove in. It is a long book but I really couldn't put it down. As we would travel different places, I would have it in my hands. I would read passages out loud for my husband to hear. I laughed and cried throughout the book, sometimes just nodding in silence.

The "description" on the front says it all.

"A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic."

Um, yeah.

That is my life.

I took the "quizzes" in the book.

No question.

I had a spirited child.

I also took the parenting quiz.

No question about it either.

I am not spirited.

Thus my complete frustration and bewilderment when faced with these situations.

I really was on a roller coaster ride...

Tomorrow I will share a little more about the book and some of the characteristics of a spirited child as well as how it affects our life. (I promise to be careful about copyright issues with the book...I am big on that kind of stuff.)

More later,
Reba

Dear Dr. Dobson...

Here is my (open) letter to Dr. Dobson...

Dear Dr. Dobson,

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Have I said it enough yet?

Thank you.

I sometimes watch other families and wonder, "Why?" I see these children, prim and proper, following their parents' directions without even a syllable of complaint coming from their lips. I watch them in school, sitting so nicely, shining as the teacher's pet. I notice that these are the children always selected as the stars of the play, held up as "leaders" of the school, and that they come home with a birthday party invitation weekly. I also watch those families watch mine with their mouths open in disbelief.

Dr. Dobson, I have felt like for some time, we are doing the things we should for our kids. We taught them to fall asleep independently at a young age. We limit their t.v. watching and don't even let them have caffeine (if you met them, you would understand why). We sit down for dinner almost nightly together (just like the statistics support) and share many family bonding times together, such as hikes, travels, and athletic events. We are loving but very firm, and even more importantly, we are consistent. Consistent in pretty much all we do. We have been determined from the very beginning to not let children run our household.

I guess I didn't think to be determined that they didn't run my emotions.

This is a hard job.

Some people have those compliant children I mentioned above. I imagine they are the ones sitting around, smiling proudly that their children are doing the things they are told, being the people they want them to be.

I am not one of them.

After some soul searching and emotional wrestling with children of mine, I borrowed a copy of your book, The "New" Strong Willed Child. I haven't gotten very far YET. But just the few pages I have read make one thing clear.

Every stinking one of them is a strong willed child in their own way...some more than others. They are very comfortable in their own skin and believe in their own independence. And while I wish I could influence their thoughts, their words, their actions, in the end, they make their own choices.

Sigh.

Don't get me wrong, Dr. Dobson. We love our kids. And we are proud of who they are. After all, they were uniquely designed by God just for our family. We know that these "leadership" qualities will serve them well one day, once they learn how to channel their personalities for good, not for evil. (Not really "evil", it just flowed with the sentence :) Don't get me wrong. It isn't that every moment is a bad moment or filled with strong will.

It is just that more of them are than not. :)

As I read the first few pages, I found myself alternating between laughing and crying. Crying because I could understand. Laughing because I could understand.

More than anything, your book has reminded me that I am not alone. That maybe, just maybe, I am not failing like I often feel. And that families who have only the "compliant" child will never truly understand what our life is like.

Every day I wake up prepared for battle. I am learning to choose my battles carefully. I am also learning that my children do make their own choices (much like we do with God), and that ultimately their choices rest upon them. They are not always a reflection of me or my values.

Yes, there will always be those who judge. "What kind of parent would let their child act like that?" I am guessing those would be the ones with compliant children, not "children who have moments of compliance".

To them I say, try living our life. I say, "Don't judge us unless you have spent a week, a day, or even an hour with a strong willed child." I also say, "Just wait. Your children may be compliant. Or maybe, just maybe, there is a strong will child within who will emerge when you least expect it. Or it could be that your future grandchildren will give you a run for your money, leaving your head spinning.

Know that while our life is not an easy life...it requires decision making and structure and discipline/behavior management all day long...we are stronger people because of it. And our children will hopefully emerge in the end victorious.

So, dear Dr. Dobson, thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Thank you for letting us know we are not alone.

The Cloud family

PS Okay, maybe a little bit written in tongue and cheek. Please know that much of the time our children are delightful little people with huge potential in life. But some days, I do go to bed feeling defeated. Okay, many days. In the end, we will just be using a lot of prayer to get through each day. :)

The Perfect Parent...

I was the perfect parent...

Until I had kids.

I remember. I remember watching kids in the store. You know the ones. The ones throwing themselves on the floor in a temper tantrum. And in my head, that perfect parent voice said, "I am SO glad that my children will not act like that..."

Until I had kids. And I learned that sometimes kids have meltdowns...often they have meltdowns...and I have no control over when or where they happen. All I can control is how I react to them. Usually with a red face, wanting to sink into the ground, as I grit my teeth and mutter chastising words under my breath (that mean nothing when a child is in that state).

I remember seeing kids come to school without a jacket or a backpack or having empty lunch accounts. And I wondered, "How could those parents let that happen?"

Until I had kids. Sometimes you have all of their things laid out for them and they still walk out of the house without any of it. Or your daughter may just decide she doesn't think it is the slightest bit cold outside, so she ignores your commands to take her jacket. Or she leaves her backpack (and all of her homework) in her daddy's car. Or he doesn't turn in a newsletter that you signed and specifically said, "Turn this in tomorrow" as his head bobbed up and down like a bobblehead.

I remember cringing when I heard parents barking orders at their older children to help with the younger children. I remember thinking, "I will NOT do that."

And I will say, most of the time I don't...totally. I try not to bark. And I am thankful for kids who are more than willing to help. But sometimes I do have to ask for help. Sometimes. Because sometimes I cannot be in more than one place at one time. Usually.

I remember using "Fashion Plates" to draw pictures of myself as a mom. Remember those things? I really liked playing with them. I would create myself this thin, cute little tennis player with my hair in a ponytail.

Then I had kids. Who am I kidding? I wasn't thin before I had kids. Nor really that cute. And who has time to mess with long hair?

I watched children make really poor choices at school. And I would think, "I bet this kid runs their house...where is the parent?"

Then I had kids. Sometimes you give all of the tools, all of the lessons about life and making good choices. And sometimes they don't. And they aren't running our house. We keep a fairly tight rein over here. But they are still their own people, in charge of their own decisions. I have said before, here I am with a perfect God, and I sometimes make really poor decisions. Why do I think my children with imperfect parents are going to make better ones?

I was the perfect parent. I read lots of books. I studied child development. I know the "right things" to do. I keep up on the latest research. We started reading to Hunter in utero. He was going to be this genius. All of our kids would...

Then I had kids. And they are all smart...in their own way. Hunter was slow to talk, even after all of the talking we did with him. (I know, you would NEVER know that now) While at least two have become wonderful readers (who truly love reading), none have been early readers by any means. We give them all of these tools and resources and experiences, but honestly...they develop at their own rate.

I just knew that once I had kids, I would have it all "together". We would have this organized house. The kids' friends would hang out at our house because I would be the "cool" mom.

Then I had kids. Let's be honest. I wasn't cool before I was a mom. Not sure why I thought being a mom would suddenly make me "cooler". Or whatever the proper word is these days. Organized? Hmmm...I don't think I ever thought about exactly how much stuff six people could have to keep up with! Right now my dining room is filled with clothes I need to organize as we switch out the seasons. And I do want to be the house where kids hang out, but right now, I am doing good to keep our family and the house up, much less add many people to the mix.

I was the perfect parent. In my mind, I was. I talked in a quiet voice. I handled discipline appropriately every time. I knew exactly what to do in any situation, sharing the wisdom I have gathered in life. I laughed easily. I gave "Rudy" kind of speeches to encourage them in becoming all they can be.

Then I had children. Nobody told me. I didn't know about Mommy guilt. And that this would be the hardest job I would ever do. That some days I would raise my voice and say all of the wrong things. That often I feel absolutely UNWISE, totally unsure how to handle situations that arise. That some days I would go to bed (most days) feeling like a complete failure. That I would look at these faces and wonder why God thought I was the one for the job.

I was the perfect parent once upon a time.

Then I had kids.

Back to the Basics

Let me just be blunt. Parenting is honest. I joke that I was a much better parent before I actually had children. That is because I really thought that if I did things a certain way, was a certain kind of mother, my kids would be these beautiful little creatures that brought joy to the world. I will admit that I naively would look at children who were misbehaving or causing problems, and I would think, "Oh, the parents must not be doing something quite right..."

I don't believe in karma, but if I did...well, it bites.

Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. And I still could erase it but I won't. I am too tired to erase it. And I meant it. I still shouldn't have said it quite like that.

Anyway, I apparently forgot a couple of factors.

I am not perfect. I want so much to be perfect, to a fault really. But I am so not. And my attempts at being a perfect parent have failed big time. I rarely make lunches and even more rarely put in sweet notes of love and adoration. Lauren does that for me sometimes in Maria's lunchbox (who despises getting them :). I haven't made a Halloween costume in years. I don't have big birthday parties for my kids. I yell sometimes and sometimes say the wrong things. And when met with some challenges, I sometimes feel like I am grasping at straws as to what to do, how to handle them.

The other factor? These children. They have their own personalities. What works for one doesn't work for another. Ultimately, they make their own decisions.

And really, how could I not know that? After all, at the beginning of time, human time, God created this amazing earth. And He brought forth some amazing creatures...animals, plants, etc. Finally, he created (out of dust) a man and then brought forth a woman to complete the picture. And they had this incredible garden to live in. They had no jobs they were required to do. There was no war, no sickness, no death. No sadness, no hunger, no fatigue. It was a perfect place. And God was and is the perfect Father. Yet even with all of this in front of them, what did that man and woman do? They made their own decision to eat of the ONE tree that God told them not to touch. And then life was never the same.

If two people, grown ups no less, made such poor decision even with a perfect heavenly Father, what on earth will my children do with a very imperfect mother?

We also have our own circumstances that may differ from the usual household. We have two children who are not only dealing with our expectations in their life but also dealing with shadows of their past. Any adopted child, no matter who they are, how old they were when they came home, and how much they are loved, struggles with feelings of loss and pain. Some more than others.

All that to say, parenting is hard. Sometimes I do all of the things I think I should do, but ultimately my kids make their own decisions. Sometimes I am proud of their decisions, other times I am left shaking my head in wonder and dismay.

So what do I do? I cry. I pout. I question every word, everything I have done or said. I compare and wonder why other families look so more normal than ours does. I share my worries with friends and seek any solutions I can.

This morning I was thinking about one child who has been a bit more challenging recently. I was going through all of the things I have just mentioned, wondering why, what can I do to fix things, how can I be such a failure as a parent...

And God stopped me.

Pray, Reba.

Um, what, God? I do pray. Almost every night before they go to sleep, I pray with the kids and specifically pray for the challenges we face.

No, Reba. Not with them. Pray for them.

Uh, God, I do that too. Maybe not every day. Maybe just when I am at the point of desperation. But I do.

Reba...Reba...(Do you think God shakes His head when He speaks to us like I do when I am dealing with my children?). Pray for them. Earnestly. Not in passing. Not when the whim hits. Be intentional. Truly pray. And don't just pray...listen. Let Me work. Trust that I am in control.

So that is my goal. To pray. Often and unceasingly. Specifically for each child. And to listen. To truly hear what He says as He guides me through this crazy thing called life.

Hold me to it, dear friend(s).

Reba

Teamwork

We get asked fairly often how we manage life with four kids and busy schedules. I always smile because we have so many friends with more than four kids and probably even busier schedules. Yet there are some days (like yesterday/today), I wonder, "How DO we do this?" One word. The answer is one word. Teamwork.

Let's take Monday for example. It was my first "real" day of school with my own class. So I had to get up a bit early to get going. My students come to my room earlier on the first day than other days. I got up to get ready. Meanwhile, my other half was up getting the kids going for the day. He woke up the big kids, and he laid out clothes for the smallest one. Then he got breakfast ready. After that is done, he went to get ready for the day, and I was on hand to deal with any issues, like spilled milk (thankfully none this time) and brushing hair.

Around 7 (which is not our normal time to leave), I gathered up the girls. They brought their breakfast with them, and we headed to school. About half an hour later, Mark took the boys to their respective schools. The funny thing is that our oldest's school is very near our house and is only a couple of minutes away from my school but with traffic, it can take a very long time to get there. So if Mark is in town, it is better for him to chauffeur than me. (I have a set time to be at work; his day doesn't start quite as early though I am sure it could....)

After school, the girls played in my room while I made sure my students got home. A little bit later, the middle schooler showed up; a friend had picked him up when she picked up her own child. Then we flew out the door, my schoolwork in hand, to pick up our preschooler.

Since my grandmother who has been visiting was leaving tomorrow (Tuesday), we stopped by my parents' house to say good bye to her. We visited for a bit, the kids eating a snack and sharing the news of their day. Then we flew out the door and headed home.

As soon as we got home, I had the big kids bring me any and all paperwork, then they went off to play I rushed around getting dinner (lasagna in a bun) ready. Just as I finished up the prep work and got the meal into the refrigerator, I heard the garage door letting me know Mark was home. I ran out to my car and "tagged" him to be it for a while.

I headed over to the school. It was Open House/Parent Orientation for parents of first/second graders. So I got to take off my teacher hat and be a momma instead (though I never truly take off the teacher hat, especially since I knew some of the parents in the room). While I learned about first grade expectations, Mark bravely took the whole crew to our son's football practice.

As soon as I was done at the school, I stopped by the house and put our sandwiches in the oven, then I headed right back out the door to rescue Mark from the younger crew. He stayed at practice while the other kids joined me. We stopped by McD's for a coke which I highly needed at that point :), then returned home.

We ate a hearty dinner. Then I started the bath/bedtime process for the kiddos. Meanwhile the boys came home and had their dinner. (I am happy that our son is involved in something. I really am. However, I TRULY miss having our family meals!) I read with the younger kids, then between Mark and me, somehow everyone finally went to bed.

Once they were down, I got to work with school paperwork for the kids while Mark worked on the dishwasher. Meanwhile, I also threw a load of laundry in (I am doing the load a day technique...it works pretty well!) and wrote out a list which my sweet husband took to the store to get some needed foods for me for school. While he was gone, I checked e-mail and worked on some school notes.

Shortly afterwards, we collapsed exhausted.

Teamwork is the only way we can do it. The only way.

More later,
Reba

It's Getting Easier...

I have been thinking a lot lately about how life is slowly getting easier. Let me clarify...parenting. At least in the physical sense. I don't think emotionally it will ever get easier.

I realized it this summer. On our trip to the beach, I had to pack no diapers or diaper bag. We didn't take the pack and play (we went the sleeping bag route...he still isn't quite ready for a bed!). We didn't even take the stroller this time. The older kids could at least put outfits together for me to double check and pack for themselves. It was just a little easier...

Now when we go out for dinner (like we did tonight/last night depending on how you look at it), we just go. We don't pack a diaper bag or bring bowls of Cheerios to tide them over. We don't bring a bib (though sometimes that is still needed; tonight we used a napkin to protect the shirt). We just go. Even the wait is getting easier as our youngest gets more interested in coloring instead of waiting for food to arrive.

While I am still a stickler for naps when we are home (or at least a quiet time for the older kids), if we need to go somewhere in the afternoon, I know that we can survive (though there may be an earlier bedtime in the future...). That has opened up a lot more possibilities for us.

Even the bedtime routine is getting there. The oldest three can get ready for bed completely on their own (though we still read and pray together). And the youngest can get ready for bed with just a little supervision.

It is getting easier. Slowly but surely.

Reba

Tag Teamin' It

The other night I posted on Facebook that I needed prayer. I was very fortunate to have immediate response (which is what I love about FB) offering both encouragement and prayer. I think a lot of people thought it was because Mark had gone out of town when in fact I was dealing with a kid issue that was (or so it felt) much bigger than me.

I realize a lot of people do think I am wimpy. I do have a hard time when Mark goes out of town (though I typically just suffer in silence rather than announcing :). For one thing, I miss him like crazy. I don't sleep as well when he isn't here. He really is my best friend. Though we talk on the phone when he is gone, it isn't the same. Things will happen and I don't have anyone to share them with. By the time we usually get to talk, the conversation is short lived (right now we have a couple hours time difference separating us) due to the late hour.

However, the other big reason it is hard is we tag team. That is how we live. And my guy to pass the baton to isn't here tonight...

From the time the kids were born (and truly even before that), we tagged. I nursed both of the big kids for the first year of their lives. When they would wake up in the night, Mark would get up and bring them to me, they would eat, then he would take them back to bed. (I really wasn't just lazy, he just goes back to sleep easier than I do) When someone needed a diaper change, most of the time it was just whoever was nearer or had available hands. When we have dinner, usually one person gets milks ready while the other dishes out the food. I bring the kids home, he runs to the grocery store after lunch. At bedtime, he reads to one child while I get another one down. It is just the way we do things.

I am often told how lucky/blessed I am to have Mark. And I am. I feel very blessed. At the same time, I rarely hear anyone say the same thing to him. I have always wondered about that. At what point did a lot of those "tasks" become Mom only tasks? We do the things we do because these children, our house, etc are OUR responsibility. So while I am thankful, I don't do cartwheels when he does these things. It is how we work.

If I were a stay at home mom (I am not really sure what the correct term is these days :) or if he had a job where he left town often, I think it would be different. I would be used to doing things my way. We wouldn't be a tag team anymore, so I would know to run the race without passing the baton. (We also might not have had four kids or thrown a young one into the mix :)

However, that isn't our life. We are a team. And when one of us is missing, the other has to fill in the gap.

I realize that life is unpredictable. At any moment, our teamwork could change through death, change in jobs, etc. And if it did, we would have to learn a new way to run our race.

I am capable of it. I can do it alone. I am actually fairly self-sufficient. I have even learned how to fill up my own car with gas!

But for now, I am counting the days until my partner is back so I can pass the baton. "Tag, you're it!"

If, Then...

I am a big believer in natural consequences for my kids. It isn't our only method of discipline or "child rearing" but it is a big part. The funny thing is that often they don't even realize that it is a consequence. Ask them how they are punished or what happens if they are in trouble, they might say "time out" or "grounded". Those stand out to them. They don't realize how much of their lives have been spent dealing with natural consequences or some variation. :)

Sometimes you can't use natural consequences (like you didn't wear your jacket after I told you to, you might be cold...), so we have to rely on logical consequences. One thing I often say is "If you do this (fill in the blank), then this will happen (fill in the blank)." And with our son acting very 3 (pushing every boundary we have), I am using that more and more. By the way, even if he doesn't like my logic, he perfectly understands what I mean and what will happen. Just yesterday at the park, he kept trying to climb up the slide. Unfortunately, I think they do that at his school, which means we have to undo it in kindergarten. :) But with me, my rule is "we go DOWN the slide, not up". I again stated that he was not to go up the slide. (Just to clarify, I am not trying to be silly or petty...it is a legitimate safety issue when other kids come down the slide. I have seen what can happen...it isn't pretty :) Anyway, my child persisted. That is his mood recently, at least at home. I haven't had complaints at school yet. He wants to do what he wants to do. I don't want him to sound like a monster. All of our other kids went through this too at this age. There is just an awareness that he does have some control in his life he hasn't realized before. Unfortunately he is going to learn sooner or later that with control comes some consequences. Anyway, I just picked him up, and I moved him back to the ground and reminded him of the rules. After about the third time, I used my statement. "If you go up the slide again, then you will have to sit with me on the bench." Guess what he did? He looked at me, squared that jaw, and climbed back on the slide. I just picked him up and carried him, kicking and screaming, to the bench. A funny sidenote...when I asked him to tell my mom about visiting the park, he actually shared that part with her! So maybe, just maybe, it is starting to sink in that I mean business. :)

All that to say, I have been thinking of some other "if, then" statements...not just for the toddler but for all of my kids. These are the ones that are not said, but are implied or are inevitable...

• If you break my rule and I have to carry you to the bench, then everyone is going to stare as I try to hold onto this screaming, wiggling kid.
• If I ground you, then I will have to deal with more of your attitude than before.
• If I ground you from a fun event, I may have to stay home from the same fun event too...just as much of a punishment for me than for you.
• If I tell you that you cannot get up from the table until you have eaten at least half of the banana you insisted you needed for lunch, then I better clear my schedule for the afternoon and be prepared to wait you out.
• If I tell you we will leave the restaurant if you cannot change your attitude, I better be ready to walk out the door hungry.
• If I tell you that you will have to hold my hand if you cannot stay near us, then I better be ready to hold your hand everywhere, no matter how hot or how tired I am!
• If I say I am going to take you to school in your pajamas if you don't get dressed in time (thankfully this hasn't happened yet...), then I will likely be the talk of the teacher's lounge. :)
• If I send you to bed early, I better be prepared for a lot of crying and screaming (on your end, not mine :).
• If I ban you from playing outdoors, I better be ready for you to be underfoot the next few days.
• If I ground you from playing outside, I better be prepared for the pitiful looks of your friends who stop by to ask you to play.
• If I give you a consequence, I need to remember to tell Daddy or you might just "forget"...at least until your sibling tattles on you. Oh, and they will.
• If I take away electronic privileges, I better be ready to outline in detail what that means.

I could go on and on, but for your sake (and mine since I have to get up early tomorrow), I won't. All that to say, parenting is no easy task. And managing behavior is no easy task either. Oftentimes, discipline or consequences are just as hard on us as they are on the kids...if not harder. But we do it anyway, hoping that we are showing our kids the difference between right and wrong, showing them that our behaviors have consequences, and expressing that life has boundaries, whether we like it or not.

And oftentimes we don't (like it), even as adults.

But that is life.

:)

Reba