Monday, October 12, 2009

Classified Ads

Wanted: One wife/mom-like assistant to be an assistant to this wife/mom. Someone who cooks dinner after a full day at work and keeps the house organized in spite of the children. Someone who can break up arguments between siblings. Someone who can consistently discipline a toddler even when she would rather sink into a chair with a good book and ignore the behavior...again. Someone who can handle the birthday, Christmas, and other holiday shopping. Someone to take LOTS of pictures at every event so that the children have memories one day when their parents are gone. Someone who will go through children backpacks and piles of papers every day, sign needed papers, and write down important events. Someone to follow up with homework assignments and check fifth grade math or third grade spelling. A helper to organize clothes on a seasonal basis, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy and neatness while dealing with piles of clothes going to several different places. A shopper for groceries who can plan ahead for meals, someone strong who can turn a deaf ear to an occasional "squeal" at the store from a rowdy child or can ignore the stares after the kicking and screaming of a stubborn toddler who wants to buy cookies even though you have said "No cookies today". Someone to sort through the mail each day. Someone who will instruct the children in the responsibilities of life, such as assigning chores that they will probably complain about. Someone who will keep up with the major products (such as chopped onion or granola bars) that has run out even though a child left the empty box or container in the pantry. Someone who will periodically vacuum the whole kitchen because the crunching noises under the feet (though nobody ever claims to have dropped food there) are louder than their thoughts. Someone who transports children to school, checks in with teachers periodically, and then takes them home afterward. Someone who leaves work earlier than in years past because that is needed at this time for her children's' schedules. A hair stylist who can fix unruly hair in the morning. A nurse who will make the decision whether to take a child to the doctor, who will administer medicine on a regular basis, and can kiss each and every booboo even if they are on stinky toes. Someone who can whip up a snack while balancing a bag full of groceries in her arms. Someone who can climb up the bunk bed to change the sheets even though it is a feat of acrobatics. A decision maker who may get three different questions concerning three different topics at the same time and be expected to make a split decision that is wise and prudent. A weatherman and timekeeper who will know the weather for today and for days to come, who can pull the correct temperature off the top of her head, who always knows exactly what time it is. A counselor who will advise children and husbands through the heartaches of life, the ups and downs of relationships, and the scary fears that lurk behind the closet doors. A spiritual advisor who can pull the right Bible verse off the top of her head when a difficult decision pops up unexpectedly and who will pray for each child daily even though they rarely pray for her. A judge who makes decisions daily about what is appropriate for her children to see, to say, to read, to hear. A journalist who keeps up on current events so she can have intelligent conversations with her husband and children about topics they are interested in. A storyteller who can read the same book repeatedly night after night with the same enthusiasm as the first time it was read. A philosopher who can answer deep questions about death, birth, growing up, love at a moment's notice. A receptionist who organizes not one but two dossiers for children desired through adoption, who makes multiple trips to the notary public, and who makes last minute travel plans when the adoption is final. A helper who can hold together the household like glue when the husband goes away, making sure everyone gets to their appointed place on time each day. A disciplinarian who makes appropriate (or tries to) consequences for poor decisions by children who may or may not be repentant. The keeper of traditions who stays up at night wrapping Christmas books or decorating a birthday cake because it is what our family has "always" done. And many, many more responsibilities.

The Pay? An occasional hug or kiss and spontaneous outbursts of laughter when the planets are aligned just right. The Benefits? Lots of life experiences, occasional pats on the back by others, and a full time membership into Club Mom.

Please note...there will be little gratitude and occasional criticism of the meals, of the house, of the decisions you make.

There is NO overtime and very little vacation time.

This is a full time job with full time responsibilities.

Only apply if fully qualified and interested.

A tired mom and wife


  1. Let me know if you find one of those - I could sure use one! :)

  2. You are so much more eloquent with your words than I am. :) And I'd like to know if you find one too...

  3. I am with Kathy! I want one too and I am a Stay at home! I really respect the Moms that work outside. I barely hold it together I have no clue how you guys do it!

  4. HA!! This is hilarious!! If you get any extra applicants, please direct them to me! :)
    Thanks for making me smile today!


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