Thursday, June 2, 2011

Achy, Breaky Heart

Grief is a funny thing.

Not funny as in ha ha.

More of a curious thing.

I mentioned in April that one of my co-workers had passed away. I hope to write a proper post remembering her one day. But it won't be this week. I am beyond tired and trying to finish up school (one week to go!).

I have been thinking alot about grief though.

When I first found out that Mrs. P was gone, I just matter of factly nodded. I think I had tried to prepare myself for that moment so much, I just reacted in a very mechanical way.

Over the next few days though, the grief would come in different ways, usually unexpected.

I want to clarify that I was not Mrs. P's best friend or closest colleague.

But she was a co-worker, and at my school, we are family. She was also much too young (according to my humanly standards); she had so much life and love left to share!

And that is one reason I have grieved so much.

The world has lost a music teacher, a friend, a daughter, a mother, and a perspective on life never found before.

Anyway, back to the grief.

I cried when I saw my daughter (the oldest). Her heart was broken and that broke my heart. In fact, my own grieving has been difficult and probably a bit delayed since I have been helping guide my daughter through her own grief.

Then I went to visitation the next day and didn't cry at all.

Oh, I felt sad...sad when I hugged her mom. Or saw her children who lost a dedicated mom. Or saw the pictures of her with her family on the slideshow. One of the songs playing, "Blessings" (which I posted not long ago), will forever in my mind be tied to Mrs. P.

The next day, child 2 and I attended the funeral. I was very matter of fact and calm until we pulled into the parking lot and I saw that darn pink car of hers. Then the tears started.

That pretty much sums up the last few weeks.

I am fine. Then something little happens. And the tears start. Or try to start. I am not good about just crying. I work really hard to NOT know, that burning sensation in the throat, the eyes stinging from the tears you refuse to release. Healthy, isn't it?

Last week, I thought the grief might be subsiding.

Then this week, it was back. I sat at the talent show the other night and didn't realize how closely I associated Mrs. P with the talent show until our "comedy act" came out to entertain between acts. Last year, she had a partner...Mrs. P.

And the tears start once again.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Sweet Words of Wisdom