When Mark and I went through pre-marital counseling (a requirement of the church before we married), one of the things we learned was that a man's self-esteem often came through his job, his work. At the same time, a wife's security usually came through her husband's job, his work.
And I have to admit, that is true.
times I have been most stressed in life (other than in parenthood
dealing with the difficulties of kids at times) involved job changes for
my husband, whether they were wanted or not, for the better or not.
mean, I do have a job and do earn a paycheck. (Of course, I do NOT
truly do it for that paycheck...I honestly love what I do. But the
paycheck is a nice bonus. :)
But my security has always been in knowing that my husband was bringing home a paycheck, meeting our needs.
Obviously a couple weeks ago, my world was rocked.
No job? No paycheck?
Well, he did get a small severance package. But that will only last so long.
In some ways, the timing was awful. I guess there is never a good time for that kind of thing.
But in other ways, maybe it was a blessing.
was the end of school. There were no more out of town trips, meaning I
could get up to the school in the evenings to do some work.
It also meant I didn't have much time to digest things. To really think about it To understand the reality of the situation.
I was going ninety to nothing. ALL day, all week.
It wasn't until school was officially out that I had time to digest.
suddenly I felt sad. I would be cleaning up my classroom then suddenly
feel overcome with the urge to cry (though the tears never truly
came). I felt a little empty inside.
My security, my stability was gone.
I have to give my hubby props.
He has not yet had a full day at home that I can think of. Even when I tried to get him to. :)
has been going to lunches. Meeting with people. Doing some "odd" jobs
(not really odd, just not full time work). Pursuing job possibilities.
But obviously I can wallow in the insecurity of it all.
There is still no steady paycheck.
Except I have found something out recently.
Something I knew all along but had pushed to the side.
My security is NOT in my husband. Or in his job.
I love him with all of my heart.
But he is not my security.
And while He may choose not to give us the job of Mark's dreams and we may have to struggle financially, He is still in control.
My security is in him.
I am reminding myself of that as we look at options.
Good options (we hope).
But still a little scary. And not necessarily secure. (Of course, we thought the last one was, so that isn't a guarantee...)
Doesn't mean I won't feel a little weepy some days. Or scared. Or nervous wondering about our future.
But when i do, I am going to return to the belief that is deep in my heart.
I am safe and secure.
Not in my husband.
Only in God.