I have mentioned that this has been a big summer of reflection and refinement. Neither are particularly fun but it is apparently where I am in life.
I have been thinking a lot about my place in this world.
am sure there is some psychological name for this. And I probably even
learned it once upon a time. I am reflecting about where I have been,
where I am going, but especially where I am right now.
I am not necessarily where I thought I would be.
one, i never expected to have four kids. Two, yes. But four, no. And
honestly, adoption was not really on my radar even ten years ago.
will be honest. I sometimes look at our oldest two and take just a
minute to think about what life would be like. I am not saying I regret
our decisions or our life now. I just can't help but think sometimes.
Life would be a little easier. A little less demanding in some ways.
Obviously things like meals out and trips would be less expensive. And
the house would be much quieter.
Again, I am not regretting. Just being honest.
But that is not where God led us. That is not my place in this world at this time.
Not long ago, I saw some pictures on Facebook that hurt my heart a little bit. Just a reminder of something we weren't invited to. There is a lot of that on Facebook,
by the way. It is hard not to feel like I am back in elementary school
watching someone pass out invitations and walking right by my desk. I
guess those insecurities never truly go away.
Anyway, the truth is, we probably couldn't have gone to this event. And I know that.
I am just in a different place than a lot of people my age.
I have younger kids. And those kids require some special care.
can't just drop everything and run to the pool with all four kids in
tow. While three are strong swimmers, the last one isn't yet. And that
child is constantly on the move. While others can just sit and chat by
the water, I end up running all around the pool making sure all four
heads are accounted for.
We go to the movies on a
rare occasion but it is a bit pricey with all of us. And with such a
wide range of ages, we are limited as to what we can see.
Many activities are way too overstimulating for kids with sensory issues. And for my introvert kids, they can be exhausting.
I feel bad that my older children get invited to way more fun activities (which they love) than I can reciprocate.
But it is just not where I am in life right now.
And after a lot of prayer, a lot of thought, and even some tears, I am okay with that.
My life is what God wants it to be.
It can be hard some days.
And many may not understand.
But God does.
And being where He wants me to be is the only place in the world I want to be...